Day 21

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget



This is the Fisher House at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda.  After Ethan died, I wanted out of the hospital.  I had been there too long, and I couldn't deal with the constant flow of nurses and doctors anymore.  Every second I was there was a painful reminder that our boys were never going to come home with us.  I was discharged, and we were given a room at the Fisher House for the night.  There was more paperwork that needed to be filled out, but it had to wait until  the next morning.  

We packed up our things and headed over to the Fisher House.  The house was beautiful.  We had a full suite to ourselves.  It was a bedroom, private living room, and private bathroom.  I am so thankful that we had that place to go.  

The thing I wish I could forget about that place was waking up and realizing that my boys were no longer here.  Everything was peaceful in my dreams.  Joseph and I had been up for days, so we both just collapsed into bed the night before.  That morning, I woke to the sun shining into the window.  I had been in the same hospital room for the past 3.5 weeks.  I had slept alone, with Joseph on the pull out couch (bless his poor back) for 3.5 weeks.  I had my 5am medical student every. single. morning. while I was admitted.  There is no sleeping in the hospital.  This morning, I slept until the sun was high in the sky.  

I opened my eyes and realized what had happened the day before.  My stomach dropped, and I felt the intense grief of the previous days.  I wish I could forget that feeling.  Just thinking about it brings me right back to that room.  I remember opening my eyes and wondering how the world was still turning.  

Day 20

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

So, I already did this post above.  Apparently what I want to do before I die and where I would love to travel.... are the exact same thing.  So, instead.... I will post some Blake pictures.  

This is Blake with Gunny Claus.  He was at Joseph's unit Christmas party.  He is a retired Marine who made a Marine Santa outfit.  He was very nice.  They took pictures and gave each child a gift with no cost to the families or unit! Blake loved him. He travels to military bases to attend Christmas parties throughout December.  He accepts donations to help fund this.  So, if you already donated to our March of Dimes walk ;) and need to donate more.... here is his website http://gunnyclaus.org/ 


Daddy already has him doing pull ups. 

Day 19

Day 19 - A picture and a letter



I have a lot of letters.  Joseph always writes me when he is gone.  I have letters from his deployment and when he was off at OCS.  I dug them out for this picture.  It is so fun to read back through them.  When he was deployed, our plans were for him to get out of the Marine Corps, move to Franklinton, and build a house near my parents.  Oh, how things changed.  If you told me we would be back in Jacksonville with Joseph in the Marine Corps four years later, I would have laughed.  


The letters from OCS were interesting to read back on as well.  We were excited about him graduating, and being able to start a family.  A month after he graduated OCS, we found out that we would have to do IVF to have children.  The innocence and excitement in those letters is sweet and sad at the same time.  We had no idea what we were about to face.  

Day 18

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Post babies body.  I wish I could clap my hands and be back to my comfortable size.  The weight is coming off slowly.  I am 4ish pounds from my pre-Blake weight, but I was a good 15-20 heavier than I like when I got pregnant.  I have weight from IVF, Ethan and Jacob, and a tiny bit from Blake.  I would like to be back to normal before this summer.

Day 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

The birth of this guy. Gone are the days of sleeping all night. Breastfeeding has kept me from sleeping an entire night since he has been born. That's right, I haven't slept a full night in over five months. I'm tired.

Gone are the days of being on time. I am always late now. It seems like Blake knows when I am about to walk out of the door with him. He makes me late constantly.

Gone are the days of easy travel. We practically pack his entire room to go anywhere over night. Two outfits a day, sleepers, swaddle blanket, humidifier, music cd, lamby, bibs, teething rings, bottles, medicines, bumbo chair, diapers, wipes.... And probably about ten things I have forgotten. We don't travel lightly anymore.

That said, I sure do love that little guy. He is so cute and sweet. Even when he is overtired, and screaming... I love him. Throughout the tired nights, being late every time, and packing half a house, I have never thought twice about if it is worth it. He is just so smilie and happy (most of the time anyway).

Another (unexpected) way he has changed me is that he has taught me how much we lost with Ethan and Jacob. I thought I knew what we lost in September of 2009. I had no idea until Blake got here. All of the fun we are having with Blake, I realize we missed with them. All of the dreams we have for him, were lost with them.

So.... Here is our life changer

Day 16

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Joseph.  He is amazing at everything.  I mean everything.  Sometimes it is annoying that he is so good at things.  The only thing I have ever beat him at is laser tag...go figure right? The girl that has never shot a gun beat the Marine at laser tag.

He is smart, caring, funny, gentle, and tough all at the same time.  He can go play Marine all week, then come home and talk baby talk to Blake.  He is a better father than I ever could have imagined him to be.  It is no secret that Blake is a daddy's boy.  I love how Blake's face lights up when Joseph walks in the door from work.  He is all smiles for daddy.  If that isn't proof that Joseph is an amazing father, I don't know what else is.    

He has been there for me, when I don't know that I would have been there for me.  He tried to be strong when we lost the boys for me.  He held it together and took care of me during that time. I was readmitted into the hospital, and he was right there.

He is my best friend.  The picture above was when Blake was about a week old.  Joseph told me to go get some sleep, so I left him and Blake in the living room.  I woke a few hours later to this.  Blake on the couch, sleeping away.  Bailey and Joseph on the floor snuggling.  I thought it was just adorable.         

Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

I would love to tour different countries.  I have a few that I would love to go to.  

England-the land of my people.... well, half of them anyway.  I have heard about England all of my life.  I have heard about how beautiful the buildings are, how the weather is, and how beautiful the country is.  I would love to go see for myself.  I would love to go see where part of my family lived.  Maybe one day.  

Germany-the land of Joseph's people.  For the same reasons as above, I would love to go to Germany with Joseph.  I think it would be neat to see.  I love the beauty. 

Italy- Joseph went there during his last deployment, and he loved it.  I have heard nothing but good things about Italy (minus how expensive it is) from him.  I want to go and see all of these places in person.  




 Australia- I know.... I am finally getting away from Europe.  I just would love to experience all the beautiful places in Australia.      

Day 14

Day 14- a picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

These guys. I can't imagine life without them.

I miss Blake when I go to the store alone. He is my little buddy.  We are always together.  We are both just in love with him.  There are times when I just look at him, and I can't help but tell him how much I love him.  I love his little personality that is starting to shine through.  I love his bird hair.  I love everything about him (even his new screaming in his car seat thing... it drives me crazy, but I love him).  I can't imagine life without him. 

Joseph is my best friend.  I can't even imagine life without having him.  He may leave for deployments and training, but I still have him in my life. I always have some sort of contact with him (as slow as it may be at times).  When he was deployed, we emailed almost everyday.  I can take care of myself and Blake, but I want him there.  I want him to be here for everything.  His job may take him away, but I always want him here.  I can't imagine not having him at all.

Day 13

Day 13-a picture of your favorite band or artist.

This one is easy. Everyone that knows me, knows I love Kenny Chesney. Tiffany and I had a long running tradition of going to his concert every year. It was so much fun. There is nothing better than having a fruity drink, and listening to Kenny Chesney.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Note it says something, not someone.

Here are a few things that I love....

Disney World.  Joseph and I went on vacation before he left for OCS.  We had so much fun.  We decided that one day, we want to move to Disney world... we will see. 

The lake.  Yes, our dog rides the jetski.  He loves it! He gets so upset when people (Gasp) want to ride without him.  I love going to the lake.  My parents have been taking me since I was a baby.  I love swimming and riding around.  

My iPad.  I got it for Christmas, and I love it.  It is fast and has so many games.  I can check my email, and watch Blake jump in his jumpy at the same time.   

Mt. Olivet.  I love the people at this church.  They are truly caring people.  They all were there when Joseph and I got married.  The preacher is awesome, and he did a great job with our wedding.  He also helped us when we lost our boys.  He helped with their funeral.  He encouraged Joseph during the service. They were all sending cards, and they showed support... even when they weren't sure HOW they should.  When we got pregnant with Blake, they were there again.  They gave us a baby shower.  When Blake was born, they were so excited.  They still are excited when we bring him to service.  It is just a lovely little church...    

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

 

Let me start by saying that I found these pictures on the internet.  I wanted pictures with true emotions, as I was holding it back in our pictures.   

Here we are before Joseph's deployment....


I hate that feeling.  I hate sending off someone you love for 6+ months of your life.  I hate the feeling in the pit of your stomach as you watch them walk away. The urge to run them down for one more kiss or hug, but you know they have to go. I hate the feeling of not being able to do a thing about it, it is out of your control.  I hate holding back tears and smiling at him.  I hate deployment day.

I know, it is his job.  I know, he signed up for this.  That still does not make it any easier for him to leave his family, or his family to be left behind.  

The good thing is that those days start the countdown to these days....




Homecoming!

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with

 

These people.  My girls from Buchanan and my EMC people. 

Only with my girls have I rode the cat-tran around campus for entertainment.  Only with my girls have I gone to the wrong hotel with.  We went to endless parties.  I even got a hematoma at a toga party with them.  We had so much fun. 

I also had a great time with my EMC friends.  We had cinco de montho... every month.  It usually ended up at Jackson's house.  A good time was had by all.  We locked his neighbor out of his apartment, threw lunch meat at a pole, found horses and named them (Sparkles and Thunderhead for the record), I was attacked by a bat, and many other interesting nights.  There just isn't entertainment like college kids in the mountains.   I think back at the things we did and laugh now.  

Day Nine

Day 9- A picture of the person that has gotten you through the most




I picked three.  

My parents have gotten me through everything.  They have been there for me, since I became me.  They cleaned my diapers, fed me, bathed me, took me to a ridiculously expensive private school, helped me understand the world, supported my wants and dreams, took me to college, helped me buy my first car, helped me plan my wedding, helped me plan my first move, helped me learn to cook (I had to call my mom to ask how to make sweet tea), watched as we went through IVF, overstimulating in the hospital, bed rest for almost four weeks in the hospital, rushed to the hospital when they found out I had the boys, held Jacob, sat in the NICU with me, held Ethan, bought us food, called the funeral home for us, helped us plan a funeral for our sons, called everyday to see how we were doing, helped design our sons headstone, helped plan a vacation for us, supported us through Blake's pregnancy, helped us pick out our first house, helped us through the process to buy our first house, were here for days while I was in labor/having Blake, made us dinners for when we brought Blake home, and the list goes on and on..... 
They have been there for me through it all, good times and bad.  They have been there for Joseph, when no one else was.  When the boys passed away, they were taking care of him as much as they were me.  We needed that, and they delivered.

Joseph has been there for me through so much.  He has seen me in some pretty horrible situations.  He has seen me dressed up, and in the hospital and unable to stand up.  He is the only person in this world that understands what it was like to lose our children.  He has been by my side through it all, good and bad.  We have the same sense of humor, values, and thoughts about life.  To quote my dad.... I did good when I found him. 
 

Day Eight

Day 8- A picture that makes you laugh

Well, I love laughing... so I have a few. I also have the explanation of why I find them funny.


Do you like this picture of a truck at the White House? We had just finished our White House tour, and I wanted a picture of us in front of the White House as our leaving picture.  I waved down a random stranger, which Joseph hates, and asked him to take our picture.  I never said to get the White House in the background, because I thought that was pretty self explanatory.  Silly me.  I got home, and downloaded this picture.  It still makes me laugh that the guy thought we wanted a truck as our background.

 This is a picture of Joseph on our way to Disney World.  Our flight was really early that morning.  Notice that his wedding ring is not on his finger.  About halfway between Raleigh, NC and Atlanta, Georgia, Joseph realized this.  He swore he had it on that morning, and it was gone forever.  We took our camera out and looked at this picture.  No ring meant it was somewhere at my parent's house.  My mom found it the next day.  The look on Joseph's face when he realized it wasn't on his finger still makes me laugh.   



This picture is from a good friend's wedding.  I'm not sure that she knows about this picture.  I guess we will see if she reads my blog.  A friend's date stepped in some poop on his way in the church.  The entire service, he kept smelling something horrible.  He looked around, and could not figure out what it was.  After the wedding was over, we were taking pictures... and he realized.  He then duck walked out of the church (so that it wouldn't get onto the carpet).  Thinking about this grown man duck walking out of a church makes me laugh.  

Day Seven

Day 7- A picture of my most treasured item




These are my most treasured items (note it says item and not person).  Bethesda gave these to us after Ethan and Jacob passed away.  They made them with their hand and footprints.  It is amazing how tiny they were.  When we first came home from the hospital, I touched these all the time.  It was a way to connect with my babies.  Their hands and feet had touched that clay.  It was a link to them.  It is one of the few things that we have of theirs.  
I was so worried about them when we moved.  I packed them like glass, and we carried them in the car.  I brought them inside the hotel room, because I was scared they would somehow melt.  I would be crushed if we lost this link to Ethan and Jacob. 

So, this is my most treasured item.  I have other things in my house that I do love.  My great grandmother's crystal bowl and vase are pretty high on my list.  I love the history from them.  I love that they have been handed down.  I love that one day, I will give them to Blake's wife and explain where they are from.  It doesn't hurt that they are beautiful either!    

Day Six

Day 6-A picture of a person you would love to trade places with for a day.

I would love to trade places with myself when I was in college.  We had so much fun.  Each one of these pictures brings back memories.  I hate that I don't have more pictures, but our computer crashed with a lot of the old ones.  I still have them in photo albums though.  I love, love, love my life now, but life was so simple back then.  All of my buddies were within walking distance.  There was always someone to hang out with.  Between Tiffany, Melissa, Tabetha, Carmen, Amber, and Noelle, there was always someone around.  At times I hated it, but I miss living in old Buchanan with Tabetha.  I miss our Real World nights.  I miss Tabetha playing her game, talking to it, me thinking she was talking to me, me asking what she was talking about, and her laughing at me (repeat this AT LEAST once a couple of days).  We had good times at Western. 

Day Five

Day 5- A picture of your favorite memory. 


Meeting this guy.  He was about six hours old when I finally met him.  I had to have an emergency c-section, and then was put to sleep.  Joseph and Blake had to wait for me in the nursery until 8pm that night.  I will never forget sitting in my room, and hearing him crying in the hallway.  The nurse had to verify that Blake was my baby before she could bring him in.  I was about to jump out of my bed in anticipation.  I had waited so long to see him during my pregnancy, then had to wait in the recovery room, then they made me wait in my regular room.  Joseph kept peeking into the hallway for me.  I was in so much pain, but so excited to finally meet him.  Then they rolled him in.... and I saw this-


That night was wonderful.  Joseph and I got to know our little man.  I examined his fingers and toes.  I snuggled with him.  I will never forget that moment.