Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Blake's Photo Shoot...

Joseph has been working horrible hours at TBS, and he has been unable to make any of my appointments. We decided to do a 3d ultrasound over the weekend, so that Joseph could see how big Blake has gotten. Here are some of our favorites.
Here is a smile :)

Look at that muscle!
At the end, he got tired of having his picture taken. He turned his head away.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Is this your first?

I get this question all the time. If only the stranger knew how difficult this question is. This questions always starts an internal struggle. I hate that it is such a common question to pregnant women. I would think it would be obvious, since I don't have another child following me. Every time I am asked, I never know what to say. My choices are...

No, it is not my first pregnancy or child. I actually have two angels, and this would be my third child. That response gets me a look of pity or confusion. Either response usually ends in an awkward silence. People feel uncomfortable talking about infant death. I think it is something that most people like to think doesn't happen. I know I never thought it could happen to us. Even while I was in the hospital, I never thought it would happen to our babies. Explaining our loss to a stranger in the grocery store is never a comfortable experience.

The other answer is yes, it is my first. I am ashamed to say that I have said this a few times to make the conversation easier. Each time I feel horribly guilty for denying my precious children. Saying that this is my first pregnancy/child pretends that Ethan and Jacob never existed. They did though. They both lived, although for a short amount of time, they were here. They are my children. I saw them with my own eyes. They looked like Joseph and I. Each had their own personalities, and were little people. They are my first babies, and they will always hold the spot in my heart for my first and second born children. So, the internal struggle continues....

Another thing that bothers me is when people call Blake the first born (when they know about the boys). He is not the first son, grandson, or great grandson. Saying that, says that Ethan and Jacob were not part of our lives. Blake doesn't replace them, he is simply their baby brother. As odd as it is to explain what happened, it is even worse to deny them.

This is one of many struggles that every mother of an angel baby deals with. A simple question from a stranger....

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Mother's Day

This Sunday is Mother's Day. I can honestly say that I hate Mother's day. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and am very thankful for all that she has done for me. I understand that it is a day for showing your mom how grateful you are, and a day that mothers can take it easy. I get it.

When we started trying to get pregnant, Mother's day turned from a happy day to a dreaded day. I wanted to be a mother so bad. I remember going to church and feeling my heart break. It was difficult. I think all women who struggle to become a mother have a hard time on Mother's Day. This Mother's Day was going to be different. This Mother's Day, my twin boys would be here and the day would be wonderful. I am going to try to enjoy this Mother's Day. I am going to remember my sweet babies and our precious time together. I am going to spend time with Joseph and Bailey. Next year, we will hopefully have a little Blake crawling and getting into everything. What a bittersweet Mother's Day that will be with Blake here and my two angels in Heaven.

To all my angel mommy friends-I will be thinking of you on Sunday. I am sure many of us may be forgotten in the Mother's Day celebration, but we are all Mothers. Our babies just live in Heaven instead of here.