It Never Ends....

Today was our follow up from my D&C and a pre-IVF ultrasound. It didn't go well. I really feel like we just can not catch a break. It is constantly something.

Today, my RE saw that my tube was damaged from infection from the retained tissues from the miscarriage. The antibiotics they gave me has cleared the infection, but that tube has to come out. Goodbye tube. I have never really used you anyway. I have never gotten pregnant without IVF. Tubes are worthless to us.

I also seem to have a misshaped uterus. It's very minor, but my doctor is going to check it out and fix it. He found that while they were examining my tube.

So, I have surgery scheduled for next week. I will get a pretty little battle scar right below my belly button. IVF is off until December. Only a month, which is good. It could be worse, but it is also so disappointing. We have been working on another baby to bring home since April.

I hate that everything is such a fight for us.

Of Course...

My words exactly when my doctor told me I had retained tissues and needed a D&C yesterday.  Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? 

Sigh.  I am not sure why my body has to be so difficult about everything, but here we are.  Frustrated does not even begin to describe my feelings. 

Yesterday, we met with my infertility doctor to plan for our next cycle.  When we first scheduled the appointment, we had planned on using our one frozen embryo.  After scheduling the appointment, we did some soul searching and decided to do another full IVF cycle.  We both did not have a ton of confidence in using only one lower graded embryo, especially after what happened during our last cycle. 

Our RE actually brought up the idea of a full cycle before we told him we were talking about it.  He agreed that the embryo we have frozen is not the best quality, and it just isn't a good idea to transfer it alone.  So we made our plans, talked about medicines, and discussed my miscarriage.  My doctor decided at the last minute to do an ultrasound to make sure I did not have any scar tissue from the miscarriage. 

Instead he found left over tissue from the miscarriage.  Tissue that had to come out, and he was greatly concerned about infection.  Of course.  They offered to do the procedure the same day, which I agreed.  I wanted to get it over.  They gave me some really strong medicine, and I do not remember most of the afternoon. I left with antibiotics and pain pills. I have a follow-up next week, and I am praying that everything will finally be normal. 

Our IVF cycle is on, if I can ever heal.  I am now on birth control pills.  After my follow-up, I will have my medicines ordered, and we will have a cycle in early November. 

Here is hoping for an easy cycle...

Here We Are

I often ask why. Specifically, I ask Joseph why the military does ______ frequently. Things that I just do not understand. Why are you driving two hours to camp in the woods, when we have woods right here? Why are you training for your predeployment training? Doesn't the predeployment training cover it? If not, why don't you expand the predeployment training to cover the multiple pre, predeployment trainings? Apparently it makes sense to someone, but certainly not me.

I purposely left a lot of emotion out of my last post. I wanted it to be the facts. The emotion wouldn't change anytime soon. The facts can be blurred and forgotten.

I'm frustrated. I'm really, really frustrated. I'm angry that I have had four babies, and I have only brought one home. I'm frustrated that we spend so much money on IVF (goodbye college fund) and twice had nothing but tears and disappointment to show for it. Once, we were given the greatest gift imaginable. I'm frustrated with our "bad luck" and how difficult things always are.

So here we are.... Three years after losing Ethan and Jacob. In a similar position. A completely disappointing outcome to our fresh cycle, and we have one sweet embryo in the freezer. One. I wish we had two. Two would make me feel "safe". One is such a risk. I remember worrying all night before Blake's transfer. Praying that one embryo would thaw well. Then I was on pins and needles all day, waiting for the call to say the embryo had not survived.

It did survive though. He is currently eating strawberries and cheese. I really hope that our frozen embryo turns into a baby we can bring home with us. Another IVF cycle seems so difficult right now. Emotionally. Physically, I can handle it. Emotionally.... I do not want to dive into that again. Worrying about levels, eggs, medicines, money, retrievals, transfers... I will do it if we have to, but I would love to transfer our frozen embryo and be done.

With one, it will be nerve wracking through the entire process. Completely our style...