Sunday, September 30, 2012

Another Goodbye

I had not posted on here, but our IVF cycle worked.  We found out we were pregnant with one little baby in late August.  I was trying to wait until we were a little further along to make an post.  We lost the baby this week at almost ten weeks.

I woke up Wednesday morning, and I felt a real urge to find baby's heartbeat on the monitor.  I have been very calm during this pregnancy, and only used my monitor two times. Anyone who knows me, knows that is really out of character. I am a worrier.  I tried to find it, and I could not.  At 9.5 weeks, baby is still pretty low, so I just thought he/she was hiding.  I tried again two more times throughout the day, and I had no luck.  Enter worrying.

I decided to go to the ER to have them check.  Part of me knew sometime was wrong.  The other part was hoping I would leave the ER with a new ultrasound picture and feeling foolish.  Thankfully the ER was very slow.  I was taken right back.  The ER doctor had an ultrasound machine in my room within a hour of me showing up, which for an ER is amazing. 

I knew it was bad as soon as he got quiet.  He had been small talking about my husband's job, the school he went to, my college.... Suddenly he went silent.  Silence is never good.  It felt like an eternity before he said anything.  Baby was measuring a day behind, which is acceptable.  He couldn't see a heartbeat.  He looked and looked.  He wanted to see a heartbeat so badly.  He knew this baby was an IVF baby.  He knew about Ethan and Jacob.  He knew we wanted this baby so much. 

He finally gave up.  He told me that he did not see a heartbeat, and he was going to call OB down to take another look.  I knew it was over.  You do not miss the heartbeat on an almost ten week baby.  I called Joseph while the ER doctor was calling OB and told him the bad news. 

The door to my room slowly opened, and I saw a very familiar face.  The doctor who delivered Ethan and Jacob was standing in front of me.  She said she immediately recognized my name on the chart.  As soon as I saw her, I began crying.  I am so thankful she was the doctor who came.  I was all alone in the ER, finding out my baby had passed away... I was so thankful for someone who knew me. 

We talked for almost a hour and a half.  I told her (and showed her a ton of pictures and videos) of Blake and how wonderful he is.  We talked about my loss.  We talked about her life. She did not rush.  She genuinely cared.

I was sent home with medicine to make my body miscarry and pain pills.  My experience was a rough one, but not as bad as what I had read online.  Now we wait.  I have a follow up on Tuesday.  I am not supposed to eat before the appointment, just in case I still need a D&C to remove anything.

As far as future plans, we will try again.  We have one sweet embryo that is frozen.  We are hoping and praying that embryo will be our take home baby.  We are praying that embryo will be just like Blake's cycle.  Single frozen embryo transfer that turns into a take home baby. 

One can hope....

Thursday, September 13, 2012


Where has time gone? It has been three years since our angels were born.  Three years since I held Jacob's little body.  Three years since I sat in the NICU begging God to make this OK.  Three years since we walked out of Bethesda empty handed and into our home full of baby things.

Three years ago, right now my world was ending.  My world was crashing down, and I wasn't sure we were going to recover from it.  I was struggling to breathe, move, talk. Basic necessities to live were a struggle. 

Three years ago, I was living my nightmare. 

After Ethan and Jacob passed away someone told me, "It never stops hurting, you just get use to the pain".  I think I am adjusting to the pain.  This year was the first year I was not a blubbering mess.  Three years to get to the point of being able to function on September 13th.  The first year, I was a few weeks post C-section.  Between it being the first birthday of my angels, hormones from having Blake, and sleep deprivation.... I was a hot mess.  Last year my husband was deployed, and I was at home alone with a 12 month old. 

This year was easier.  I don't know why.  I was just more focused on remembering them, instead of focusing on the pain and surviving. 

As we do every year, we let balloons go for Ethan and Jacob.  Blake and I went to the party supply store today, and he picked out the colors of their three balloons each.  He picked green, orange, and red.  We let them go tonight.  Blake let three of them go, one-by-one.  His two year old brain became bored with letting the rest go, so we did it.  Much to our surprise, Blake burst into tears after the balloons were gone.  He was quite upset that they were gone.  Maybe next year he will understand the balloon concept better!

This was taken about 10 seconds before he started crying.  He was quite upset that the balloons were gone.