Ultrasound

We have decided on a name. Baby boy Zimmermann is going to be Blake Owen Zimmermann.

I had my "big" ultrasound today. It was an anatomy scan to check for any problems baby might have. Everything turned out really well. Joseph was not able to go because of TBS, but my parents and Carly went with me. All of Blake's measurements were perfect. He had no signs of any genetic problems. They weighed him at 9oz. The first thing I thought was that Ethan weighed 12oz. What a little piggy Blake is. Ethan weighed 12 oz at 23 weeks, and Blake is weighing 9oz at 18 weeks. He is definitely going to be bigger than his brother before 23 weeks.

It was a little odd to be back in the same office I went to every week while I was in the hospital. We walked by my old hospital room to get to the office. We also walked by the NICU hall that Ethan lived in for 36 hours. I went to the office for ultrasounds to check fluid and weights on Ethan, and to see if Jacob had any fluid building back up. It felt odd to have good news from that office. Last time around, they were very honest that Jacob was probably not going to make it. They also were very honest about Ethan's chances if born too early. This time all news was good though.

Blake was sleepy this morning, and he was not in the mood to move around. My perinatologist gave him a little shake, and that woke him up a little so that he could get some other measurements. We got some great pictures... although he didn't really move around a lot, and made getting a profile a little tougher.

This is Blake in 3D

Blake's profile in 2D. His leg is also in the upper right corner.

Thumbs up :)

Joseph

As most people know, Joseph has been busy at work lately. The hours at his school are very long, so I usually don't see much of him until the weekend. He is almost halfway through his school. Hopefully the second half will go faster than the first. Here are some pictures of him out in the field.

Joseph hiding

Shooting his gun

The guys.... Joseph is in the back, right

Studying with Phil and Anthony

Eating something nasty...

A school sent them Valentines Day cards. Joseph is in the front, right.

If you know Joseph, you know he is hating this school.... Halfway done!

Well...

Since Joseph posted our news on his Facebook page, I might as well blog about it now. Meet baby boy Zimmermann....

He is due on August 26Th, 2010. So, yes I am pregnant. We used our last embryo, and we got very lucky that it implanted. Everything has been pretty smooth sailing so far. I am 16 weeks right now. My water broke with the twins at 19 weeks, so we are hoping for a very uneventful next few months. I am being seen at Bethesda by the high risk doctors. So far, so good. If our journey has taught me anything though, we won't be able to fully relax until we have a baby in our arms. We hope to have a very healthy, fat, and overdue baby in August.

We found out baby is a boy. We had an ultrasound today. He was very active and even showed us his perfect little hands. Oddly enough, today marks six months since our babies were born. Such a bittersweet day for us. If you had told me six months ago, that I would be pregnant again with another little boy... I would never have believed it. It is amazing how different things are after only six months.

We still have some hurdles to make it through. Our anatomy scan is at the end of the month. This is a detailed ultrasound to look for abnormalities. We are also waiting to hear how our genetic testing results are. Since my water broke so early with the twins (Pprom), I am at higher risk of preterm labor again. I get shots weekly to try to prevent this from happening again. My blood pressure is another issue. The automatic cuff at Bethesda hates me. Every time I go there, it says my bp and heart rate are really high (140/99 and 125hr). Then they take it manually, and it is completely normal (120/78 and 80). My doctor is a little concerned with why my blood pressure is so high before my appointments (umm I am nervous). She is checking me for signs of pre-eclampsia, but agrees it is probably just nerves. Hopefully it will continue to drop when they take it manually. We are hoping everything comes back normal, and we meet this little one in August.

Where Were You....

I have thought about this a lot since Ethan and Jacob passed away. I could never quite get the words right though, so I tried to wait until I was completely ready to address this. It might still feel a little jumbled, so try to follow me.

When I was admitted into the hospital, Joseph and I were scared to death. We had no idea what was going to happen to our precious babies, or if something would happen to me. When I gave birth and we lost both of our sons, our world crashed down. We asked for some time to really figure out what had happened, and to deal with the raw emotions we were feeling. The thought of holding Ethan as he passed away still breaks my heart.

In the next months, Joseph and I leaned on each other to make it. I was re-hospitalized for a horrible infection and low blood counts. It was hard. We struggled to do anything... eating, cleaning, even getting up was a challenge at first. I am amazed at how many people never called, wrote, or showed us any type of support. I realize that our loss was a different loss, and that many people are not sure how to approach it. It is still hard to deal with the fact that many of our close friends, were not there in the weeks and months following. In our time of need, they just disappeared. I still have friends that have never mentioned our boys. They called and acted like everything was like it was before. It isn't. I am a different person now. I find moving forward with these relationships very difficult. You weren't there when my world was ending, why should I bother with your friendship? The feelings are very hard to move forward through. I find myself hung up on the facts, and unable to forgive them.

There are family members who weren't there for us. They weren't there to support us when we needed them. After that, I just can't make myself forgive them. I can't get past it, and I don't know that I ever will get past it. They never called... how can you not call your family member when their children died? How can you just disappear? How can you just pretend that everything is fine?

On the other hand, the friends that were there for me... became like family. I really feel like my true friends showed in our time of need. They called to make sure Joseph and I were OK. They texted to make sure we didn't need anything. I got emails from them, asking how we were doing. They wanted to hear about our babies, what happened, and how we were doing. People I met online were more supportive than some family and friends.... and that is sad.

So, I have decided to stop trying to forgive them. The feelings are there, and will be for a very long time. Trying to ignore them and pretend like everything is normal... is not working. Eventually, I might be able to forgive them for not being there for us. Eventually is not now, and probably won't be for awhile. On the other hand, I am so much more thankful for the friends that were there. We are thankful for the people who contacted us, and showed us that you cared. Thank you.

This time last year....

This time last year we were starting the IVF process. One year ago this month we were going through testing and making sure that we were able to go through IVF. We had no idea what we were getting into. I thought it would be a difficult, but manageable process. We had no idea how sick I would get. One year ago, we were innocent and thought that IVF would be something that was going to be a minor inconvenience. Little did we know I would develop severe OHSS and be hospitalized for three days. We had no idea that I would have so much fluid in my belly, I would have difficulty breathing. Who knew I would actually WANT a paracentesis to drain the fluid out of my stomach, because the pain from that was less than the pain from the fluid?

I find it pretty funny when people ask when we will do IVF again, like it is nothing. They ask like EVERYONE has 12,000+ dollars for the procedure, plus the 4-5 thousand for medications. This doesn't even include the hardships on my body that IVF does. Most people think that IVF means we go to the doctor's office a few times, a few fertility drugs, everyone you know joking about you being the next octomom or Kate Gosslin (which is really not funny, people that do that), and BAM... pregnant. It isn't guaranteed. In fact for my age group at my clinic, the success rates are around 60%. So, you pay 17,000 dollars for IVF and medications that aren't covered by insurance...then have a 60% chance of getting pregnant. That is a 40% chance of NOT getting pregnant, and losing 17,000 dollars. Most people don't know this. I was once one of those people. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but after all of that...it worked. We made two beautiful baby boys.