Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Happy Birthday Isabella

Our good friends, Tina and Phil invited us to their beautiful daughter's birthday party on Saturday. Isabella is one! It has been amazing to see how much she has grown and changed over the past year. Joseph and I were lucky enough to meet Isabella hours after she was born, and have watched her grow and change. It was exciting to celebrate her first birthday with Tina and Phil. It seems like just yesterday she was a tiny little baby.

Other than being a beautiful little girl, Isabella constantly reminds me that the IVF process can work. She was once a little frozen embryo, and she gives me hope that one day Joseph and I will have a little once frozen embryo crawling around on the floor. She reminds me that it can and will happen one day. As we struggled with IVF, Pprom, and then losing the boys... Isabella was the lone baby allowed around me. Instead of sadness around her, I feel hope. It worked for Tina and Phil, and it will work for us.

Otherwise, things are going well. Joseph is finally done with being the platoon commander in his TBS class. He is able to relax a little more, and not have to worry about every little thing being held against him. I am so proud of him. He did a great job, and really worked hard to make sure things ran smoothly. He is going to make a great officer. The countdown to find out where we are going is on! I am really ready to find out where we will spend the next 3-4 years.

I have met quite a few of the wives from Joseph's TBS class. We are having a lot of meetings to pass the time. It really helps to spend time with the girls, when the boys are working such long hours. Yesterday, Tina and I made blankets all afternoon. After Tina taught me how, I made a knot blanket for Bailey. His crate needed a new blanket, so I made him one with puppies all over it. It turned out really well, and Joseph was impressed with my creative moment. I plan on making more, it was really fun!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Sunday was Ethan and Jacob's official due date. They would have been here well before the tenth, but it was still hard to reach that day. All of our dreams of having two little boys living in our house are gone. Since the day that we left the hospital without them, I have dreaded the tenth of January. Right now, we should be exhausted from taking care of two beautiful little boys. How quickly life changes. Most of the day, I thought about everything that has happened. I thought about how precious our two babies were. I thought about their short lives, and who they could have been. I think Ethan looked more like me. He had my little piggy nose, and was much shorter than his brother. Jacob was going to be a tall boy. Apparently Joseph's hands are a dominate gene, as both of them had his short fingers and large palms. Joseph and I have beautiful babies, although I think all mom's say that.
Today marks four months since I had them. I think back to the day we left Bethesda, and I am amazed at how far we have come. We have opened the door to their room, and no longer hate going in there. I enjoy talking about them now. It still hurts, and we miss them everyday. The pain has become easier to deal with. I don't think it will ever go away, but I am learning to live with it. I don't think there will be a day that I don't wonder why we were picked to deal with this, but it has become part of our lives.
In other news, Joseph started TBS after Christmas. It has been tough for him. They worked really long hours last week, and all through the weekend. It was tough to get through the boy's due date while Joseph was working so hard, but we managed. Hopefully things will settle down in the next few weeks for him. I know he is ready for July already. I agree. I wish we could just fast forward to July, so that he can be done.

I leave you with a picture of Joseph. His dad gave me a ton of pictures of him at Christmas. I just think he was the cutest little kid.

OK, one more.... Look at how dark Joseph is. Poor Steven looks so pale. Even as a kid my husband was tan. I feel your pain Steven, he makes me look pale in EVERY picture we take.
Last one, I swear....

Friday, January 1, 2010

2009 is over

On to 2010.... We have survived. This year is going to be better, and we will be grateful. Our new years eve was uneventful. We were invited over to welcome the new year at a friends house. We spent the night eating wonderful food and laughing. We had a great time, and before we knew it the countdown began. As the countdown continued, I felt like crying. I was so sad for all that we lost in 2009, and so grateful that Joseph and I were still standing together. Smaller things than losing a baby have broken marriages, and I am really glad that we have come together in our pain instead of apart. Shortly after the new year rang, we headed home for a good nights sleep.
Everyone makes new years resolutions, and this year I think I want to make one. I have decided to stop wondering what if and thinking it isn't fair. No more wondering what life would be like if Ethan and Jacob where here. No more thinking about how life would be with twins and a training husband. No more thinking about how old Ethan and Jacob would be right now. I won't what if about that anymore. No more thinking about how horrible person my cousin is.... and how he has a kid that he couldn't care less about unless it is convenient, yet my children were taken away. No more listening to people at Target who have three kids, and are loudly complaining about it. No more being irritated by people who have children and then can't afford to care for them. However unfair it is, it happened. We lost. Those people are lucky enough to have children, and they don't appreciate them. If only they knew how lucky that they are to have them. Infertility and infant loss are things that you can't truly understand until you have stood in those shoes. You might have an idea of what it COULD feel like, but until you are faced with the real possibility of never having a child... and feel that fear, you don't understand.