Monday, February 22, 2010


In a few weeks, it will have been six months since I had Ethan and Jacob. SIX MONTHS. It is an odd mixture of feelings. As I look back, I am both amazed that it has already been six months and shocked that it has only been six months. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday, and in other ways it seems like it was a lifetime ago. When I think of all we have come through, it amazes me.

We haven't been home since Christmas, and haven't been able to visit the boy's since then. I feel horrible that we are so far away from them, but there was no way we could bury them here. We will be moving shortly after Joseph graduates, and we may never return to this area. My parents take care of their flowers, and make sure their "area" is clean. For that I am thankful, but I do wish we could visit them more. Their grandparents are taking great care of their flowers and visiting them often, so we left them in wonderful hands. I can't stand the thought of them being in a graveyard with no one ever visiting them.

As for life... it is going well. We are still digging out of the mountains of snow. The temperature has been in the upper 30's and lower 40's, so hopefully it will all melt soon. I am sick of snow. I think Joseph is even more ready for the snow to melt. He has been out in this snow, shooting and now working on land navigation. Poor Joseph has been pretty cold after all of his snowy training. Their class is slowly but surely getting closer to finding out his job and where we will move next. We think it will be sometime in May. I am ready to find out where we will spend our next three to four years.

My dad is coming to visit us this week! We haven't seen him since Christmas, so I am excited. My mom came up last month, so now both of my parents have visited. We won't be able to make it home again until Memorial Day weekend, so if they didn't come visit us... It would be a long time before we saw them. I leave you with a video of Bailey. It is from last summer. I am VERY ready for summer. This is Bailey trying to swim. He isn't the best swimmer.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

The Big Snow

Here are our pictures from the snow today. We really didn't go out and play in it, since it was still snowing. We plan on taking Bailey out in it tomorrow to play, so I am sure we will have more pictures then.

More Snow

Well, it snowed... again. I never got a chance to post the pictures from our last snow, so I will post them first. This was our snow from the end of January (last weekend). It was a smaller snow, and we decided to take Bailey to play in it. I will post pictures from the blizzard next.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

New people

Since we lost our babies, I have surrounded myself with people that really get it. People that don't say hurtful things, while they are trying to be helpful. These people understand that my babies lived. They also understand that sometimes I want to talk about Ethan and Jacob, and other times I want to talk about The Bachelor or The Biggest Loser. I never feel pressure from any of them, and I am so thankful for that. I never feel awkward talking about Ethan and Jacob around them, and our conversations flow very easily.

The problem I now face is all of the new people that I am meeting from Joseph's TBS class. These women have no idea what hell 2009 brought us. Most of them have no idea that the world can be as cruel as it has been to Joseph and I. They are all so innocent, while I am jaded from the pain we have endured. I feel really anxious around them, because I know the question is going to come. "Do you have any children", seems to be a very common question. I still struggle with answering this question. I do have two angels that lived for 11 minutes and 36 hours, that I don't want to deny. Some women respond really nicely, and I try really hard to be sure that they don't feel bad for asking. Others respond oddly, and I really don't care if they feel awkward. I never thought of this social issue until I started meeting so many new people.

I hope that the next duty station that we go to, we will not meet so many new people all at once. It is a bit overwhelming to tell our story to 15 different wives, 15 different times... when they ask the dreaded question. I have learned from my experience with losing the boys and infertility, that I will never, ever ask that question. If someone has a child, they are going to have to tell me about it... because this girl is NEVER going to ask. When we were dealing with infertility, it was a stab in the heart to say no. Now that we are dealing with the loss of Ethan and Jacob, it is both a stab in the the heart and a reminder of what we should have.

I leave you with a poem. A woman from my pregnancy/infant loss group lost another baby last week. She was 33 weeks pregnant, and found out her baby girl had passed away. Please keep her in your prayers as she heals both physically and emotionally.

A Butterfly lies beside us
like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment,
its beauty and glory
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed
we feel so lucky to have seen it.