A Pair of Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child
Friday, November 27, 2009
They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thanksgiving
It is the time of year where everyone reflects back on the year, and what they are thankful for. Honestly, 2009 has not been kind to our family. This year has been the hardest year in my life, both physically and emotionally. It started in January, when we found out that the medication that I had been on for 5 months was not going to work... and our only option to have a baby was IVF. That medicine had made me sick for five months, without even a chance of working. It was so disheartening. After rounds and rounds of testing, we started our IVF cycle in April.
Our IVF cycle was rough. After receiving three shots a day for 15 days, we finally got our embryos. Everything was supposed to be easy and calm from then on. Not in our case. I overstimulated and got a severe case of OHSS. The chances of that happening are about 1%. OHSS happens when a woman's estrogen level gets too high. There is no way to stop it, and you have to just wait for the level to go back down. The body starts dumping all of the fluid into the abdomen. I had a huge belly full of fluid, but was completely dehydrated. There was no way for me to keep up with the fluid. I was so full, that I had a hard time breathing. I was hospitalized and they drained a total of 8 liters of fluid from my abdomen. It was very painful and scary experience. Five months later, I was admitted into the hospital when my water broke. We all know the ending to that story.
This year has almost killed me. I have found my strength is amazing though. I never thought that I could make it through ANY of that.... let alone all of it. Although this year has been hard on Joseph and I, here we stand together. So, as hard as it initially seems to think of things to be thankful for, we have so many. We have each other and an amazing bond after all we have survived. We still have our health after mine was challenged through this year. Our bills are paid, and although our savings has taken a huge hit between IVF, a funeral, and a headstone... we can pay our bills. We have family. I don't know how we would have made it through all of this without the help and support of my parents. We had pictured this Thanksgiving to be very different a few months ago.
Here is hoping that next year will be kinder to us. I pray that next Thanksgiving will be met with more positive things to be thankful for, but at least we have something to be thankful for this year. Here is a quote I found that fit...
Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.”
Our IVF cycle was rough. After receiving three shots a day for 15 days, we finally got our embryos. Everything was supposed to be easy and calm from then on. Not in our case. I overstimulated and got a severe case of OHSS. The chances of that happening are about 1%. OHSS happens when a woman's estrogen level gets too high. There is no way to stop it, and you have to just wait for the level to go back down. The body starts dumping all of the fluid into the abdomen. I had a huge belly full of fluid, but was completely dehydrated. There was no way for me to keep up with the fluid. I was so full, that I had a hard time breathing. I was hospitalized and they drained a total of 8 liters of fluid from my abdomen. It was very painful and scary experience. Five months later, I was admitted into the hospital when my water broke. We all know the ending to that story.
This year has almost killed me. I have found my strength is amazing though. I never thought that I could make it through ANY of that.... let alone all of it. Although this year has been hard on Joseph and I, here we stand together. So, as hard as it initially seems to think of things to be thankful for, we have so many. We have each other and an amazing bond after all we have survived. We still have our health after mine was challenged through this year. Our bills are paid, and although our savings has taken a huge hit between IVF, a funeral, and a headstone... we can pay our bills. We have family. I don't know how we would have made it through all of this without the help and support of my parents. We had pictured this Thanksgiving to be very different a few months ago.
Here is hoping that next year will be kinder to us. I pray that next Thanksgiving will be met with more positive things to be thankful for, but at least we have something to be thankful for this year. Here is a quote I found that fit...
Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.”
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
They are everywhere
I understand we are in a baby boom. I get it, really. It is just my luck that I lost my two boys in a baby boom. I feel like pregnant women are following me everywhere. I can't even go get my toes done without a pregnant belly walking by. Ugh... ridiculously happy women, who have zero problems getting pregnant, or any problems staying pregnant.... stop following me around town. Also, can you not stand in Target and complain about how horrible life is because you are pregnant? I would gladly be in a hospital bed right now if it meant I was still pregnant. Isn't amazing how life can put everything in perspective. Anyway... moral of the story is don't call me complaining or talking about pregnancy/new babies. The only thing I am going to say/think is... If your dad died and I called and told you how excited I am about my dad, how would you feel? Anyway...
Last weekend was the Marine Corps ball. It was a lot of fun. Tina and I enjoyed the bottle of wine they put on our table, then the boys acquired a little more wine for the ladies. They have a big ceremony and then dinner. Overall, it was a lot more fun than the last ball we went to. Last time, we had just moved here and didn't know anyone.
This week has been pretty slow. I am starting to work on Christmas presents. We were lucky enough to be selected for the Sears Hero's at Home program. They are going to send us a free gift card at the end of this month to help out with Christmas. We are saving again for fertility treatments, so it will be nice to have that. Last year, they gave each family 250.00, so that would be awesome. Here is the program information for my military buddies. You guys should sign up next year. http://www.sears.com/shc/s/dap_10153_12605_DAP_Heroes+at+Home?adCell=Egheroes&adCell=W3
Last weekend was the Marine Corps ball. It was a lot of fun. Tina and I enjoyed the bottle of wine they put on our table, then the boys acquired a little more wine for the ladies. They have a big ceremony and then dinner. Overall, it was a lot more fun than the last ball we went to. Last time, we had just moved here and didn't know anyone.
This week has been pretty slow. I am starting to work on Christmas presents. We were lucky enough to be selected for the Sears Hero's at Home program. They are going to send us a free gift card at the end of this month to help out with Christmas. We are saving again for fertility treatments, so it will be nice to have that. Last year, they gave each family 250.00, so that would be awesome. Here is the program information for my military buddies. You guys should sign up next year. http://www.sears.com/shc/s/dap_10153_12605_DAP_Heroes+at+Home?adCell=Egheroes&adCell=W3
Monday, November 16, 2009
I have more pictures....
We took Bailey over to OCS to let him run yesterday. He loves being free to run and play. The weather was beautiful, and we all enjoyed being outside in the fresh air. I decided to bring the camera and get some new pictures of us. Here they are...
On our way... it looks like he is about to rip my face off, but he is really trying to lick me to death.
This one looks a little better
It's a race!!!
Bailey won.
What a happy boy
Me and Bailey
He wants the stick
Got it...
Our Family
On our way... it looks like he is about to rip my face off, but he is really trying to lick me to death.
This one looks a little better
It's a race!!!
Bailey won.
What a happy boy
Me and Bailey
He wants the stick
Got it...
Our Family
Our Ball Pictures
The Marine Corps ball was a good time this past weekend. It was in Richmond, which was a major pain, but we made the best of the drive. We were *almost* late, after Tina and I took longer at the hair and makeup place than we thought we would. It all ended up ok though, and Tina got a gift certificate for it!! Here are our pictures...
This one is a little blurry, but it is the girls... Tina, Isabella, and me... we are all BFFs
The band marching in
Flags
Me and Tina... the life of table 6
Me and Joe
This one is a little blurry, but it is the girls... Tina, Isabella, and me... we are all BFFs
The band marching in
Flags
Me and Tina... the life of table 6
Me and Joe
Sunday, November 8, 2009
It's here...
The boy's headstone was delivered this week. It just doesn't seem possible. Joseph and I haven't been back to NC to see it yet, but my mom said it is perfect. How odd of a statement is that to type? My baby's headstone is perfect. That should never ever have to be said. Mom also said that the entire thing is grammatically correct.... leave it to the english teacher. We got a quote put on it, that fit perfectly, "An Angel in the book of life wrote down my babies’ birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." Joseph found it on the Internet, and I fell in love with it. Everyone remember the boys on their two month birthday on Friday. Joseph has the day off work, but I am not sure what we will be doing. Either way, the anniversaries are always hard.
As for everything else going on... We survived Halloween. It was hard, but we did give out candy for about an hour. After an hour, we decided to just put the bowl out, and shut the door. Well, at least we tried the whole normal thing. I am thanking God that all of the children's costumes are finally out of Target. It was bad enough avoiding the baby areas, but then I had to avoid the seasonal area too. Thanks for that Target. On to the next Holiday. Hopefully, we can be "normal" for a little longer than an hour next time, but maybe not.
We have the Marine Corps ball this weekend. It should be fun. We are sitting with Phil and Tina, which is always a good time. I am excited about getting all dressed up, and having a good time. I have my dress, and Tina was awesome enough to schedule our makeup and hair. Joseph has his blues together (which takes WAY more time than it does for me to get ready). I will post some pictures of us all dressed up next week.
The last thing I will leave is a quote about infertility and pregnancy loss. I hope that this quote will put everything in perspective for people who have never had to deal with either. The next time you feel like complaining about your kids, or pregnancy problems.... remember there are millions of women who would love to be in the situation you are complaining about. Count your blessings and never take it for granted.
But to sympathize on the level she needs, you may just need to look at your wife and see that the person you love is really, really hurting--having to part with her vision of herself. It's not like she's failing to achieve a lofty dream, like winning an Olympic gold. She's surrounded by people who have gotten (and sometimes don't even want, or loudly complain about) exactly what she wants by absolutely non-spectacular, even accidental, means. That's crazy-making stuff.
As for everything else going on... We survived Halloween. It was hard, but we did give out candy for about an hour. After an hour, we decided to just put the bowl out, and shut the door. Well, at least we tried the whole normal thing. I am thanking God that all of the children's costumes are finally out of Target. It was bad enough avoiding the baby areas, but then I had to avoid the seasonal area too. Thanks for that Target. On to the next Holiday. Hopefully, we can be "normal" for a little longer than an hour next time, but maybe not.
We have the Marine Corps ball this weekend. It should be fun. We are sitting with Phil and Tina, which is always a good time. I am excited about getting all dressed up, and having a good time. I have my dress, and Tina was awesome enough to schedule our makeup and hair. Joseph has his blues together (which takes WAY more time than it does for me to get ready). I will post some pictures of us all dressed up next week.
The last thing I will leave is a quote about infertility and pregnancy loss. I hope that this quote will put everything in perspective for people who have never had to deal with either. The next time you feel like complaining about your kids, or pregnancy problems.... remember there are millions of women who would love to be in the situation you are complaining about. Count your blessings and never take it for granted.
But to sympathize on the level she needs, you may just need to look at your wife and see that the person you love is really, really hurting--having to part with her vision of herself. It's not like she's failing to achieve a lofty dream, like winning an Olympic gold. She's surrounded by people who have gotten (and sometimes don't even want, or loudly complain about) exactly what she wants by absolutely non-spectacular, even accidental, means. That's crazy-making stuff.
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