Christmas Time

I have officially finished my graduate class.  Everyone kept telling me that after it was over, I would feel so accomplished.  I do, but I still sit here and wonder why I thought that would be a good idea.  Graduate school, deployment, 1 year old, volunteering, and a photography class. Insane.  I felt the stress lifting off of me as I turned in my last assignment.
My house is starting to look less like an episode of hoarders and more like a Toys R' Us commercial.  I think by Christmas, we will be back where we should be.  Just in time to bring home all of the things that Blake is getting for Christmas.  We won't say he is spoiled, he is just very loved.  ;)
 Christmas is lacking for me this year.  I am ignoring it.  If I ignore it long enough, it won't happen.  It can't happen without my love.  Sadly, it will happen without my love.  Add another holiday to the pile that he has missed because of this extended deployment.  So many.  While the others were hard, Christmas is the one that hurts the most.  So, he missed Memorial Day.  That was fine.  Were the banks even closed on Columbus day?!? The 4th of July wasn't too bad.  Veterans day was OK.  The TV was covered with Marines, but we survived.  Then Thanksgiving rolled in.  We made it through that thanks to my mother's delicious chocolate daiquiris and sweet potatoes (Blake's favorite food).  On to Christmas...
 We will miss Joseph greatly.  I will miss him.  I will miss his excitement.  I will miss his funny jokes.  I will miss his conversations. I will miss his happiness.  I will miss how happy he makes Blake.  He has become a huge part of not only my life, but my family's as well.  He even called and talked to my parents on Thanksgiving.  They will miss him almost as much as I will.
But, we press on... we have no other choice.  Each missed holiday brings him closer to home. So, for all of my military wives who's husbands are deployed for the holidays....





Keep your head up ladies.  Our turn will be here soon. 




     

Exhaustion...

It is amazing how exhausting a toddler can be.  Blake has hit the tantrum stage.  He officially melts down about something as meaningless as me forgetting to let him turn the light off.  That isn't made up, it has happened.  Tonight he melted down at Applebee's, because he had to sit in his highchair.  We had a twenty minute meltdown in the bathroom.  Over a seat .  Such a stubborn boy.  Between this new development, school, Joseph's current location, and keeping our house from looking like an episode of hoarders, I officially look like this....

 
There just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.  I feel like I am almost failing at everything.  I have two more weeks of graduate class, then I am done for awhile.  This class reminded me how much work they require.  Doing them with Blake is hard.  I won't be taking another until Joseph's job has him home for awhile.  Hopefully after the next two weeks, I can get things together.  It seems like Blake is behind, since he isn't doing things so-and-so's child is doing.  I completely blame myself when people say things like that.  I wish I had the help around the house to teach him how to multiply and divide by the time he is two.  Sadly, it is just me making sure he has food to eat, clean clothes, and a clean environment.  I try, but I don't have time to drill things into his head like I would if I had his Daddy around.  Hopefully when my school is done and the holidays are over, he can learn how to drive Joseph's truck or something equally as impressive.  If not, he can continue to be a little boy who loves cars, ducks, and books.   

  Here are some pictures I had made of us... We are surviving!     

National Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Day

"If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."-Elizabeth Edwards

Today is a day to remember the angel babies.  Today is the day to remember the babies that never made it out of the NICU.  Today is a day to remember the babies that never got to see the sky, feel the fresh air, or were taken too soon.  Today we remember our tiny angels.

One in four women will suffer from a miscarriage or infant loss.  That is a huge number.  Sadly, this day does not get the publicity it should.  It is usually overshadowed by breast cancer awareness month.  There are no football players wearing the ribbon, no commercials, no huge support walks.  Instead, there are angel mommies lighting candles for their little ones that they could not keep.

Remember our little ones.  As Elizabeth Edwards said, we already remember them.  Knowing other people remember them is a wonderful gift.   

Happy Fall

Fall is finally here! I have been waiting on this season for months. I love fall. There is something special about it. The weather cools, leaves change, and outdoor events are so much more fun. I have loved fall since I attended college in the mountains. Watching the leaves change was amazing. This year, fall has a different meaning. This is the last full season we have to make it though without Joseph. We have made it through spring, summer, and now fall is here. I am so sad that he is missing all of the events of fall, but the cooler air makes it real. He is coming home in the cooler air! So this year, fall is more than pumpkins, costumes, and candy. Fall is the light at the end of the tunnel. Fall is the beginning of our family being together again. Fall is the beginning of the end of this thing. So excuse me while I hang my fall wreath, buy Blake's Halloween costume way too early (and spend way too much money on it), and pull out our cool weather clothes in late August. I have been waiting for this.....

Two Years

It has been two years since my Ethan and Jacob were born.  It is amazing how it feels like yesterday and forever at the same time. Blake and I went to the beach today.  We let balloons go for Ethan and Jacob.  After letting them go, we played in the water for awhile.  Blake had an amazing time, and looking at his little innocent eyes made my heart a little happier.  It was difficult to watch their little brother crawl around in the sand (which he was having the time of his life), and not think about what should be.  At the same time, I think the past year has done a ton for me.  This time last year was hard.  I had a newborn Blake, and I remember looking at him and thinking about everything we missed with Ethan and Jacob.  I remember thinking that I wanted them all.  All three of my little men.  

This year, I still miss them very much, but the unbarable pain isn't as strong as it was.  I was told when they died, that you never stop hurting after losing a child, you just get use to the pain.  I have to agree.  I am slowly getting use to it.  It is part of our story.  We will never "heal" from losing them though, the scars will be there forever.  I can still remember the feeling in my stomach when the doctor told us Ethan wasn't going to make it.  I remember the fear we had the entire time he was in the NICU.  I can remember all of those horrible things, but I can live with them now.  Before, I felt like I couldn't breathe when I thought about it. 

So, here are our pictures from today....

 And the ones from last year.  It is amazing how little Blake was.

Italy...

 We recently had a family trip to Italy.  My parents came with us, and it was amazing.  I have to say, Italy is my favorite vacation to date. We were there for Blake's first birthday.  Not many babies can say that their first birthday was spent exploring Rome.

Here are the pictures! 

Happy Birthday my beautiful baby

A fountain at the Vatican

He loved this

Beautiful Italy... I want to move here.

Date Night!!

Riding Around

Someone learned how to ride a 4-wheeler.  Daddy is going to be so excited!

Father's Day

Today is the day we honor the men in our life.  The men who raised us, and then men who help raise our children now.
Joseph has been a better daddy than I ever dreamed he would be.  It took a lot of time and heartache for us to become pregnant.  From the moment we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and Jacob, he was just overjoyed.  He was amazing through that pregnancy.  When we found out we were having two boys, he was even more excited.  He had a huge grin on his face as we walked out of the office.

When I was hospitalized, he spent 3.5 weeks sleeping on a pull out couch.  He did everything he possibly could to make things better.  He kept me laughing and happy every second he could, even though he was terrified.  When we lost Ethan and Jacob, I saw Joseph hurt more than I have ever seen a human hurt.  He was devastated.  He loved those little babies with all of his heart.  He loved them before he even knew them.

When we found out I was pregnant with Blake, I was terrified.  Joseph was excited, really excited.  We agreed that we were going to keep the pregnancy a secret for as long as possible. Within about three days, Joseph had told everyone he worked with.  He was so happy.  Joseph was meant to be a daddy.  I always thought he would be a good one.

Then.... Blake was born.




 '
I realized that I had no idea how great of a daddy he would be.  Joseph loves Blake so much.  They had an instant bond.

I found them on our back porch MANY mornings, enjoying the sun while I slept.


Blake loved snugging with Daddy.

We never fought over who would have baby duty.  Joseph has never looked at Blake as a chore, he loved spending the time with him.  He got up with him all the time.  Even when I was feeding him, Joseph would get up to make sure everything was OK. 

I love how Blake makes the same faces Joseph makes.  I was taking too long to snap the picture.  As you can see, they are both annoyed.  This is one of my favorite pictures of the two of them.  It makes me laugh every time.

 













Happy Father's Day, Joseph.  You are an amazing man and father. 

Daddy is so funny.

Joseph made Blake a video!   Blake adores this thing.  He laughs so hard at his daddy. 

Look What I Can Do....

Walking For Babies

We made it through our first March of Dimes walk! It was a wonderful experience.  My parents and sister came down to walk with me and Blake.  The weather was gorgeous, and the walk really went well.  We ended up raising 715.00!  That is amazing! I want to thank everyone who donated.


Here are the pictures :)




Our shirts.  Those are the real footprints.

Love my little man

He loves kisses

Someone wore himself out!