Blake's Photo Shoot...

Joseph has been working horrible hours at TBS, and he has been unable to make any of my appointments. We decided to do a 3d ultrasound over the weekend, so that Joseph could see how big Blake has gotten. Here are some of our favorites.
Here is a smile :)

Look at that muscle!
At the end, he got tired of having his picture taken. He turned his head away.

Is this your first?

I get this question all the time. If only the stranger knew how difficult this question is. This questions always starts an internal struggle. I hate that it is such a common question to pregnant women. I would think it would be obvious, since I don't have another child following me. Every time I am asked, I never know what to say. My choices are...



No, it is not my first pregnancy or child. I actually have two angels, and this would be my third child. That response gets me a look of pity or confusion. Either response usually ends in an awkward silence. People feel uncomfortable talking about infant death. I think it is something that most people like to think doesn't happen. I know I never thought it could happen to us. Even while I was in the hospital, I never thought it would happen to our babies. Explaining our loss to a stranger in the grocery store is never a comfortable experience.


The other answer is yes, it is my first. I am ashamed to say that I have said this a few times to make the conversation easier. Each time I feel horribly guilty for denying my precious children. Saying that this is my first pregnancy/child pretends that Ethan and Jacob never existed. They did though. They both lived, although for a short amount of time, they were here. They are my children. I saw them with my own eyes. They looked like Joseph and I. Each had their own personalities, and were little people. They are my first babies, and they will always hold the spot in my heart for my first and second born children. So, the internal struggle continues....


Another thing that bothers me is when people call Blake the first born (when they know about the boys). He is not the first son, grandson, or great grandson. Saying that, says that Ethan and Jacob were not part of our lives. Blake doesn't replace them, he is simply their baby brother. As odd as it is to explain what happened, it is even worse to deny them.

This is one of many struggles that every mother of an angel baby deals with. A simple question from a stranger....

Mother's Day

This Sunday is Mother's Day. I can honestly say that I hate Mother's day. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and am very thankful for all that she has done for me. I understand that it is a day for showing your mom how grateful you are, and a day that mothers can take it easy. I get it.

When we started trying to get pregnant, Mother's day turned from a happy day to a dreaded day. I wanted to be a mother so bad. I remember going to church and feeling my heart break. It was difficult. I think all women who struggle to become a mother have a hard time on Mother's Day. This Mother's Day was going to be different. This Mother's Day, my twin boys would be here and the day would be wonderful. I am going to try to enjoy this Mother's Day. I am going to remember my sweet babies and our precious time together. I am going to spend time with Joseph and Bailey. Next year, we will hopefully have a little Blake crawling and getting into everything. What a bittersweet Mother's Day that will be with Blake here and my two angels in Heaven.

To all my angel mommy friends-I will be thinking of you on Sunday. I am sure many of us may be forgotten in the Mother's Day celebration, but we are all Mothers. Our babies just live in Heaven instead of here.

Almost 22 weeks

I say this a lot on this blog, but it is amazing that I am almost 22 weeks. I am shocked that is has only been 22 weeks, and shocked that it has already been 22 weeks. Isn't it funny how time does that? I still don't understand how I can feel like that, but I do.

I had a doctor's appointment today. Blake is looking wonderful. He is still very much a boy (they check every time). Everything looked great, and my peri was very happy with how everything is going. He is getting more and more confident that Blake is going to be a big, healthy baby. I starting to actually accept that Blake might be our take home baby. He might be the little guy that we get to keep. A lot can still go wrong, but we are getting so close.

I am so happy that my doctors know our story. They lived it with us, and they are wonderful to me. My peri talked about the boys to me today. He told me how worried he was about Jacob from the moment I stepped foot into L&D. Poor little Jacob had such a hard road. It is great to have doctors that talk about my boys. They know that my boys lived, and that my boys fought. They also know how hard Joseph and I fought. They know that my time in the hospital was hard, but we were so happy to be there. Everyday we were there, the boys were OK. I actually dread getting pregnant again one day, and having to deal with doctors who don't understand what happened. It is something you had to live to understand. I am so thankful that we are here long enough for me to finish this pregnancy at Bethesda.

Another interesting fact to write about... a year ago yesterday my babies were made. I was put to sleep and my eggs were removed. Ethan, Jacob, and Blake were all hanging out in Dominion Fertility's lab together for the five days they were allowed to grow. Blake was not growing as well as Ethan and Jacob, so he was frozen... and Ethan and Jacob were transferred. How amazing is that? As hard as IVF was on me, it is such an amazing process. I often wonder how many people wouldn't be here without IVF, then wonder how anyone could look at those people and disagree with IVF. I guess that is a whole other post though. We are amazed by our little IVF miracles.

Past 19 weeks.

Today, I am officially 20 weeks. Most people are very excited to be halfway done with their pregnancy, I am just happy to be past 19 weeks. 19 weeks is when Jacob's water broke. 19 weeks 5 days to be exact. That is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life.

I got up that morning and noticed that I was bleeding a bit. I had spotting a lot throughout my pregnancy, so I did the normal call to my OB. They wanted me to come in, but had no spots open in the office. They decided to send me to L&D. I actually texted Tina on the way there that I thought it was nothing... and Joseph and I were going to grab dinner while we were in the DC area after we were done. I never had the huge gush of water that everyone says that they had. I had no idea my water was leaking. After a few minutes in L&D, the doctor explained that my water had broken. The doctor had no idea what was going to happen, and he went off to find the Perinatologist. The Peri walked in and explained that I would be admitted until the babies were born, however long that may be. She also explained that I was at great risk for infection, and an infection could also make me very sick. Chaos followed. I was rushed to a room, IV started, ultrasounds run, and monitoring for contractions. It was a very scary night for us.

Being pregnant after going through all of that is hard. The entire week I was worried. I tried to stay as busy as possible to make the week pass quickly. Every week we make it without any issues, the better. I sometimes think how wonderful it would be to be the innocent pregnant person. Unfortunately, we know exactly what can go wrong. As my Peri said today, I know too much about the bad stuff. I know the statistics for babies in the NICU. I know that baby boys do worse in the NICU than baby girls. I know that I am at higher risk for the same thing happening again. I would love to be the girl that worries about stretch marks her entire pregnancy instead of the girl who counts down to 24 weeks (50% survival rate), 28 weeks (80%), and 30 weeks (90%+). I just know too much.

Another milestone down for us. We made it past 19 weeks without being hospitalized. Our next milestone is 24 weeks, where Blake will have a 50% chance of surviving if he is born.

Ultrasound

We have decided on a name. Baby boy Zimmermann is going to be Blake Owen Zimmermann.

I had my "big" ultrasound today. It was an anatomy scan to check for any problems baby might have. Everything turned out really well. Joseph was not able to go because of TBS, but my parents and Carly went with me. All of Blake's measurements were perfect. He had no signs of any genetic problems. They weighed him at 9oz. The first thing I thought was that Ethan weighed 12oz. What a little piggy Blake is. Ethan weighed 12 oz at 23 weeks, and Blake is weighing 9oz at 18 weeks. He is definitely going to be bigger than his brother before 23 weeks.

It was a little odd to be back in the same office I went to every week while I was in the hospital. We walked by my old hospital room to get to the office. We also walked by the NICU hall that Ethan lived in for 36 hours. I went to the office for ultrasounds to check fluid and weights on Ethan, and to see if Jacob had any fluid building back up. It felt odd to have good news from that office. Last time around, they were very honest that Jacob was probably not going to make it. They also were very honest about Ethan's chances if born too early. This time all news was good though.

Blake was sleepy this morning, and he was not in the mood to move around. My perinatologist gave him a little shake, and that woke him up a little so that he could get some other measurements. We got some great pictures... although he didn't really move around a lot, and made getting a profile a little tougher.

This is Blake in 3D

Blake's profile in 2D. His leg is also in the upper right corner.

Thumbs up :)

Joseph

As most people know, Joseph has been busy at work lately. The hours at his school are very long, so I usually don't see much of him until the weekend. He is almost halfway through his school. Hopefully the second half will go faster than the first. Here are some pictures of him out in the field.

Joseph hiding

Shooting his gun

The guys.... Joseph is in the back, right

Studying with Phil and Anthony

Eating something nasty...

A school sent them Valentines Day cards. Joseph is in the front, right.

If you know Joseph, you know he is hating this school.... Halfway done!