On to 2010.... We have survived. This year is going to be better, and we will be grateful. Our new years eve was uneventful. We were invited over to welcome the new year at a friends house. We spent the night eating wonderful food and laughing. We had a great time, and before we knew it the countdown began. As the countdown continued, I felt like crying. I was so sad for all that we lost in 2009, and so grateful that Joseph and I were still standing together. Smaller things than losing a baby have broken marriages, and I am really glad that we have come together in our pain instead of apart. Shortly after the new year rang, we headed home for a good nights sleep.
Everyone makes new years resolutions, and this year I think I want to make one. I have decided to stop wondering what if and thinking it isn't fair. No more wondering what life would be like if Ethan and Jacob where here. No more thinking about how life would be with twins and a training husband. No more thinking about how old Ethan and Jacob would be right now. I won't what if about that anymore. No more thinking about how horrible person my cousin is.... and how he has a kid that he couldn't care less about unless it is convenient, yet my children were taken away. No more listening to people at Target who have three kids, and are loudly complaining about it. No more being irritated by people who have children and then can't afford to care for them. However unfair it is, it happened. We lost. Those people are lucky enough to have children, and they don't appreciate them. If only they knew how lucky that they are to have them. Infertility and infant loss are things that you can't truly understand until you have stood in those shoes. You might have an idea of what it COULD feel like, but until you are faced with the real possibility of never having a child... and feel that fear, you don't understand.