Another Goodbye

I had not posted on here, but our IVF cycle worked.  We found out we were pregnant with one little baby in late August.  I was trying to wait until we were a little further along to make an post.  We lost the baby this week at almost ten weeks.

I woke up Wednesday morning, and I felt a real urge to find baby's heartbeat on the monitor.  I have been very calm during this pregnancy, and only used my monitor two times. Anyone who knows me, knows that is really out of character. I am a worrier.  I tried to find it, and I could not.  At 9.5 weeks, baby is still pretty low, so I just thought he/she was hiding.  I tried again two more times throughout the day, and I had no luck.  Enter worrying.

I decided to go to the ER to have them check.  Part of me knew sometime was wrong.  The other part was hoping I would leave the ER with a new ultrasound picture and feeling foolish.  Thankfully the ER was very slow.  I was taken right back.  The ER doctor had an ultrasound machine in my room within a hour of me showing up, which for an ER is amazing. 

I knew it was bad as soon as he got quiet.  He had been small talking about my husband's job, the school he went to, my college.... Suddenly he went silent.  Silence is never good.  It felt like an eternity before he said anything.  Baby was measuring a day behind, which is acceptable.  He couldn't see a heartbeat.  He looked and looked.  He wanted to see a heartbeat so badly.  He knew this baby was an IVF baby.  He knew about Ethan and Jacob.  He knew we wanted this baby so much. 

He finally gave up.  He told me that he did not see a heartbeat, and he was going to call OB down to take another look.  I knew it was over.  You do not miss the heartbeat on an almost ten week baby.  I called Joseph while the ER doctor was calling OB and told him the bad news. 

The door to my room slowly opened, and I saw a very familiar face.  The doctor who delivered Ethan and Jacob was standing in front of me.  She said she immediately recognized my name on the chart.  As soon as I saw her, I began crying.  I am so thankful she was the doctor who came.  I was all alone in the ER, finding out my baby had passed away... I was so thankful for someone who knew me. 

We talked for almost a hour and a half.  I told her (and showed her a ton of pictures and videos) of Blake and how wonderful he is.  We talked about my loss.  We talked about her life. She did not rush.  She genuinely cared.

I was sent home with medicine to make my body miscarry and pain pills.  My experience was a rough one, but not as bad as what I had read online.  Now we wait.  I have a follow up on Tuesday.  I am not supposed to eat before the appointment, just in case I still need a D&C to remove anything.

As far as future plans, we will try again.  We have one sweet embryo that is frozen.  We are hoping and praying that embryo will be our take home baby.  We are praying that embryo will be just like Blake's cycle.  Single frozen embryo transfer that turns into a take home baby. 

One can hope....

Three

Where has time gone? It has been three years since our angels were born.  Three years since I held Jacob's little body.  Three years since I sat in the NICU begging God to make this OK.  Three years since we walked out of Bethesda empty handed and into our home full of baby things.

Three years ago, right now my world was ending.  My world was crashing down, and I wasn't sure we were going to recover from it.  I was struggling to breathe, move, talk. Basic necessities to live were a struggle. 

Three years ago, I was living my nightmare. 

After Ethan and Jacob passed away someone told me, "It never stops hurting, you just get use to the pain".  I think I am adjusting to the pain.  This year was the first year I was not a blubbering mess.  Three years to get to the point of being able to function on September 13th.  The first year, I was a few weeks post C-section.  Between it being the first birthday of my angels, hormones from having Blake, and sleep deprivation.... I was a hot mess.  Last year my husband was deployed, and I was at home alone with a 12 month old. 

This year was easier.  I don't know why.  I was just more focused on remembering them, instead of focusing on the pain and surviving. 

As we do every year, we let balloons go for Ethan and Jacob.  Blake and I went to the party supply store today, and he picked out the colors of their three balloons each.  He picked green, orange, and red.  We let them go tonight.  Blake let three of them go, one-by-one.  His two year old brain became bored with letting the rest go, so we did it.  Much to our surprise, Blake burst into tears after the balloons were gone.  He was quite upset that they were gone.  Maybe next year he will understand the balloon concept better!

This was taken about 10 seconds before he started crying.  He was quite upset that the balloons were gone. 

Two

Two years ago, I had just met the most amazing, stubborn, funny, cute, infuriating, and sweet person in my life. In true Blake fashion, he was born on his own terms. The doctors tried inducing me, but that is not Blake's style. Thirty-six hours later an emergency C-section was decided. I was put to sleep, because he was stuck. It was difficult to get him, and Joseph said he could see the worry in the doctor's eyes. He came out not moving, and he had to be forced to breath at first.

His birth fits him. Blake loves to be center stage.

In the last two years, I have learned all about this little man. I cherish him. There are days when I cherish him more than others, but each day I thank God for him. He is a blessing, even on his worst days.

The amount of love that little body holds is literally amazing. It is unconditional, pure, sweet love. Even with his latest tantrums, he wants love after timeout.

He is talking, and it is the sweetest thing. He asks where Daddy is every weekday morning, then says, "He at work! Oh no!". He knows faces and names. He says, "I love you". He has figured out what "One more" means, and uses it over and over again. Sometimes he will even say, "One more Mommy! Come on!".

I can't believe it has been two years. Two years since we were sitting in the hospital, terrified we were going to kill this tiny (8lb5oz) stranger we just met. Little did I know, he would be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Transfer

We made it to transfer!
A picture of possible Z babies is below. We were also blessed with one to freeze for later. They are grade 4 and 3+ expanded blasts (for my ivf friends). Our frozen is a grade 3+ blast as well.

Our other two arrested, which was expected of one.

After a lot of thinking and praying we decided to go with our doctor's advice, and transfer two. We are hopeful we made the right decision.

Now starts the two week wait...

Fighting Five!

We have five embryos! Joseph and I decided that the fighting five would be a good name this time. Our last IVF cycle we had five embryos as well. Apparently five is our number.

After waiting forever for my clinic to call, and a few angry phone calls... We finally got our report (24 hours later than we expected it). Our clinic dropped the ball, and they didn't call us with the report. It was so stressful waiting for the news. I was terrified none of them had fertilized. Terrified.

Our clinic grades on a 1-4 scale. 4 being the best and 1 being the worst. This is the opposite of a lot of clinics. I have no idea why they do it backwards.
We have on day two:
2- grade 4 (best) embryos
2-grade 3 embryos
1- 2+ grade embryo

We don't expect that grade 2 embryo to make it, but it still has time to catch up. We will get another report on Wednesday, and we are doing a day five transfer on Thursday.

This report was much better than I expected. I was so scared we didn't get enough eggs. Whew.

Six

We had our egg retrieval today, and they got six eggs. Less than our last cycle. We had nine eggs last time, so I was a bit disappointed with only six.

The nurses said they were great quality, so we are hoping for a great fertilization report tomorrow.

The egg retrieval went very smoothly. They knocked me out, and I don't remember a thing. Joseph said I was talking gibberish in the recovery room, but nothing too embarrassing. :)

Everyone say a prayer or cross your fingers. We are hoping for some great embryos, but with only six eggs... We aren't working with a lot.

Holding On

IVF isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. A marathon with a moving finish line. As you are running along in this marathon, you think you are three miles from the finish line.  Then you pass a sign that says the finish line has been moved, and you are now five miles from the finish line. Only two more miles, right? You have already been so far, what are two more miles?  Those extra two miles are huge, not only physically but mentally.

Our current cycle feels a lot like this. There have been a lot of issues with my medication doses, since I had so many problems my last IVF cycle. We started out WAY too low with the fear of repeating, and we basically wasted three days.  My estrogen was incredibly low (not a good thing), it was somehow lower than before we started the medicines. They slowly moved my medicines up, and nothing really happened.  It has been a trial and error cycle, and the word cancel has been used more than a few times.

When you are spending thousands of dollars on medications, the words, "Trial and error" and "Canceled".... not what you want to hear.  Things seem to be turning around, but it changes daily. This cycle has been much more emotionally draining than the last.

Last time, I never thought about being canceled.  My doctor was always happy with my levels, and he was confident we would get plenty of eggs.  We had five embryos, and we sailed to the embryo transfer.  Not a worry in the world.  Then I overstimulated and was so, so sick. Physically, it was horrible. 

It is never easy.