I have thought about this a lot since Ethan and Jacob passed away. I could never quite get the words right though, so I tried to wait until I was completely ready to address this. It might still feel a little jumbled, so try to follow me.
When I was admitted into the hospital, Joseph and I were scared to death. We had no idea what was going to happen to our precious babies, or if something would happen to me. When I gave birth and we lost both of our sons, our world crashed down. We asked for some time to really figure out what had happened, and to deal with the raw emotions we were feeling. The thought of holding Ethan as he passed away still breaks my heart.
In the next months, Joseph and I leaned on each other to make it. I was re-hospitalized for a horrible infection and low blood counts. It was hard. We struggled to do anything... eating, cleaning, even getting up was a challenge at first. I am amazed at how many people never called, wrote, or showed us any type of support. I realize that our loss was a different loss, and that many people are not sure how to approach it. It is still hard to deal with the fact that many of our close friends, were not there in the weeks and months following. In our time of need, they just disappeared. I still have friends that have never mentioned our boys. They called and acted like everything was like it was before. It isn't. I am a different person now. I find moving forward with these relationships very difficult. You weren't there when my world was ending, why should I bother with your friendship? The feelings are very hard to move forward through. I find myself hung up on the facts, and unable to forgive them.
There are family members who weren't there for us. They weren't there to support us when we needed them. After that, I just can't make myself forgive them. I can't get past it, and I don't know that I ever will get past it. They never called... how can you not call your family member when their children died? How can you just disappear? How can you just pretend that everything is fine?
On the other hand, the friends that were there for me... became like family. I really feel like my true friends showed in our time of need. They called to make sure Joseph and I were OK. They texted to make sure we didn't need anything. I got emails from them, asking how we were doing. They wanted to hear about our babies, what happened, and how we were doing. People I met online were more supportive than some family and friends.... and that is sad.
So, I have decided to stop trying to forgive them. The feelings are there, and will be for a very long time. Trying to ignore them and pretend like everything is normal... is not working. Eventually, I might be able to forgive them for not being there for us. Eventually is not now, and probably won't be for awhile. On the other hand, I am so much more thankful for the friends that were there. We are thankful for the people who contacted us, and showed us that you cared. Thank you.