Monday, March 8, 2010

Where Were You....

I have thought about this a lot since Ethan and Jacob passed away. I could never quite get the words right though, so I tried to wait until I was completely ready to address this. It might still feel a little jumbled, so try to follow me.

When I was admitted into the hospital, Joseph and I were scared to death. We had no idea what was going to happen to our precious babies, or if something would happen to me. When I gave birth and we lost both of our sons, our world crashed down. We asked for some time to really figure out what had happened, and to deal with the raw emotions we were feeling. The thought of holding Ethan as he passed away still breaks my heart.

In the next months, Joseph and I leaned on each other to make it. I was re-hospitalized for a horrible infection and low blood counts. It was hard. We struggled to do anything... eating, cleaning, even getting up was a challenge at first. I am amazed at how many people never called, wrote, or showed us any type of support. I realize that our loss was a different loss, and that many people are not sure how to approach it. It is still hard to deal with the fact that many of our close friends, were not there in the weeks and months following. In our time of need, they just disappeared. I still have friends that have never mentioned our boys. They called and acted like everything was like it was before. It isn't. I am a different person now. I find moving forward with these relationships very difficult. You weren't there when my world was ending, why should I bother with your friendship? The feelings are very hard to move forward through. I find myself hung up on the facts, and unable to forgive them.

There are family members who weren't there for us. They weren't there to support us when we needed them. After that, I just can't make myself forgive them. I can't get past it, and I don't know that I ever will get past it. They never called... how can you not call your family member when their children died? How can you just disappear? How can you just pretend that everything is fine?

On the other hand, the friends that were there for me... became like family. I really feel like my true friends showed in our time of need. They called to make sure Joseph and I were OK. They texted to make sure we didn't need anything. I got emails from them, asking how we were doing. They wanted to hear about our babies, what happened, and how we were doing. People I met online were more supportive than some family and friends.... and that is sad.

So, I have decided to stop trying to forgive them. The feelings are there, and will be for a very long time. Trying to ignore them and pretend like everything is normal... is not working. Eventually, I might be able to forgive them for not being there for us. Eventually is not now, and probably won't be for awhile. On the other hand, I am so much more thankful for the friends that were there. We are thankful for the people who contacted us, and showed us that you cared. Thank you.


  1. This is a very brave post. Hugs to you Andrea.

  2. I IS brave, but you know what? Totally ok. You are exactly right. It's when the chips are down (in the most tragic of ways)that support of those whom we call friends, and especially of those we call family is SO vital!! Far, far, far be it from me that I judge people who don't know how to deal or what to do, because I don't want to judge. But REALLY, like YOU know any more than they do how things are supposed to be? For Pete's sake! Your sons died and the last thing you need to be worrying about is the feelings of others. It's hard enough just to breathe and survive.
    I'm sending you hugs too!!!

  3. i know that i've stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. i can guess at the pain and frustration you feel when you need the support and it isn't/wasn't there. it's ok and understandable to be mad at all of us over it, and not be ready to forgive yet. i'm glad you're brave enough to voice those feelings.
    but know that i've been here silently, i've read everything you've written, prayed for and cried for you (all).

  4. I'm sorry :( I think a lot of people just don't what to say or how to help??? I am sure it's not because they don't love you and want to support you, they maybe are lost and don't know how. Maybe?

  5. ((HUGS)) I am SO sorry for your loss!!! Sadly I know your pain. Although I didn't birth my baby I lost him just the same due to miscarriage. I know how great my pain I can only imagine yous was/is MANY times worse :(
    I am in the hospital on bed est due to pPROM. My water broke @ 28 weeks. I am now almost 33 weeks!!
    I pray this new life grows safe and sound inside your womb for you.

  6. Ok girl I'm just reading this blog for the first time and I want you to know that it breaks my heart to know that you have felt that way. When I found out you guys lost your little boys, I didn't know what to say or do. All I wanted was to make things better for you and Joe and to know all about your little angels. I (along with most people) have no idea the amount of pain you guys have been through, and cant imagine feeling the things you have. I love you guys and only want the best for you. You are beautiful and amazing parents! I cant believe that anybody wouldnt support you and be there for you. At the same time, I've tried to be respectful of you guys needed time for yourselves. I just want to apologize if I ever did or said anything to offend you! I love you and I am ALWAYS here for you no matter what you need! Its hard being so far away and playing phone tag, I just hope you know that you and your boys have always been in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love you guys,

  7. so well written..thank you for sharing..I feel the same way but haven't had the right frame of mind to write something like that myself.