It has been a week since I went into labor. I find that so amazing. It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant in the bed thinking about how close we were getting to the "safe" zone. We just missed it by a couple of weeks. What a difference a couple of weeks would have made.
I am feeling better physically. I was released from the hospital on Monday night after Ethan passed away, but we stayed at Bethesda in base lodging. We had a ton of paperwork to do on Tuesday, so we just stayed up there. Our parents were waiting when we finally arrived home on Tuesday afternoon. Coming home was not what I thought it would be. The entire time we were at Bethesda after the boys passed away, I wanted nothing more than to be at home. After arriving home and finding all of the stuff we had waiting for Ethan and Jacob, I realized how foolish I was to think it would be easier at home. We put all their stuff in the spare room, but we still occasionally find something and have a good cry.
Our parents left about an hour after we arrived home, and I was feeling really weak. I called Bethesda L&D and they advised me to go to the nearest ER. Off to Stafford hospital we go. The ER visit was not a pleasant one, as EVERY doctor and nurse wanted to know where my baby was that I had delivered on Sunday. After telling our story quite a few times, the staff got it together. I was admitted for hemorrhaging and a possible uterine infection. I got IV antibiotics for 24 hours straight and they monitored my blood levels. They continued to drop, and the doctor was concerned for awhile. I finally was released at 5pm on Wednesday. I was weak and dizzy, but so glad to finally sleep in my own bed. Since then I have started to feel better physically. I am not as sore anymore, and can move around better.
Emotionally, Joseph and I are struggling. We are in a difficult roller coaster of emotions right now. I am having a hard time dealing with why this happened to us. I don't think that I will ever fully understand why God decided to take our boys. I will never understand why things happened the way they did, or why life is so unfair at times. It is amazing how much love and attachment we have for two little guys we had never met before. When people say parents love their children from day one, they are completely correct. Right now I am just trying to remember to breathe. Time will ease the pain, but we will always miss our little fighters.
We are currently planning a memorial service in North Carolina for Ethan and Jacob. We will have it at our home church in early October. We want people to know their story, and how awesome they were. We are hoping this will help with our healing. Hopefully, one day we will be able to see the sun peaking through all the clouds.
We appreciate everyone giving us our space for this week. We have such incredible friends, but we really needed time to gather our thoughts. Everything happened so fast, we really needed time to let reality sink in. Thank you to everyone for being so wonderful. I have been amazed at how many people have shown support and love while respecting our wishes of space.