It Never Ends....

Today was our follow up from my D&C and a pre-IVF ultrasound. It didn't go well. I really feel like we just can not catch a break. It is constantly something.

Today, my RE saw that my tube was damaged from infection from the retained tissues from the miscarriage. The antibiotics they gave me has cleared the infection, but that tube has to come out. Goodbye tube. I have never really used you anyway. I have never gotten pregnant without IVF. Tubes are worthless to us.

I also seem to have a misshaped uterus. It's very minor, but my doctor is going to check it out and fix it. He found that while they were examining my tube.

So, I have surgery scheduled for next week. I will get a pretty little battle scar right below my belly button. IVF is off until December. Only a month, which is good. It could be worse, but it is also so disappointing. We have been working on another baby to bring home since April.

I hate that everything is such a fight for us.

Of Course...

My words exactly when my doctor told me I had retained tissues and needed a D&C yesterday.  Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? 

Sigh.  I am not sure why my body has to be so difficult about everything, but here we are.  Frustrated does not even begin to describe my feelings. 

Yesterday, we met with my infertility doctor to plan for our next cycle.  When we first scheduled the appointment, we had planned on using our one frozen embryo.  After scheduling the appointment, we did some soul searching and decided to do another full IVF cycle.  We both did not have a ton of confidence in using only one lower graded embryo, especially after what happened during our last cycle. 

Our RE actually brought up the idea of a full cycle before we told him we were talking about it.  He agreed that the embryo we have frozen is not the best quality, and it just isn't a good idea to transfer it alone.  So we made our plans, talked about medicines, and discussed my miscarriage.  My doctor decided at the last minute to do an ultrasound to make sure I did not have any scar tissue from the miscarriage. 

Instead he found left over tissue from the miscarriage.  Tissue that had to come out, and he was greatly concerned about infection.  Of course.  They offered to do the procedure the same day, which I agreed.  I wanted to get it over.  They gave me some really strong medicine, and I do not remember most of the afternoon. I left with antibiotics and pain pills. I have a follow-up next week, and I am praying that everything will finally be normal. 

Our IVF cycle is on, if I can ever heal.  I am now on birth control pills.  After my follow-up, I will have my medicines ordered, and we will have a cycle in early November. 

Here is hoping for an easy cycle...

Here We Are

I often ask why. Specifically, I ask Joseph why the military does ______ frequently. Things that I just do not understand. Why are you driving two hours to camp in the woods, when we have woods right here? Why are you training for your predeployment training? Doesn't the predeployment training cover it? If not, why don't you expand the predeployment training to cover the multiple pre, predeployment trainings? Apparently it makes sense to someone, but certainly not me.

I purposely left a lot of emotion out of my last post. I wanted it to be the facts. The emotion wouldn't change anytime soon. The facts can be blurred and forgotten.

I'm frustrated. I'm really, really frustrated. I'm angry that I have had four babies, and I have only brought one home. I'm frustrated that we spend so much money on IVF (goodbye college fund) and twice had nothing but tears and disappointment to show for it. Once, we were given the greatest gift imaginable. I'm frustrated with our "bad luck" and how difficult things always are.

So here we are.... Three years after losing Ethan and Jacob. In a similar position. A completely disappointing outcome to our fresh cycle, and we have one sweet embryo in the freezer. One. I wish we had two. Two would make me feel "safe". One is such a risk. I remember worrying all night before Blake's transfer. Praying that one embryo would thaw well. Then I was on pins and needles all day, waiting for the call to say the embryo had not survived.

It did survive though. He is currently eating strawberries and cheese. I really hope that our frozen embryo turns into a baby we can bring home with us. Another IVF cycle seems so difficult right now. Emotionally. Physically, I can handle it. Emotionally.... I do not want to dive into that again. Worrying about levels, eggs, medicines, money, retrievals, transfers... I will do it if we have to, but I would love to transfer our frozen embryo and be done.

With one, it will be nerve wracking through the entire process. Completely our style...

Another Goodbye

I had not posted on here, but our IVF cycle worked.  We found out we were pregnant with one little baby in late August.  I was trying to wait until we were a little further along to make an post.  We lost the baby this week at almost ten weeks.

I woke up Wednesday morning, and I felt a real urge to find baby's heartbeat on the monitor.  I have been very calm during this pregnancy, and only used my monitor two times. Anyone who knows me, knows that is really out of character. I am a worrier.  I tried to find it, and I could not.  At 9.5 weeks, baby is still pretty low, so I just thought he/she was hiding.  I tried again two more times throughout the day, and I had no luck.  Enter worrying.

I decided to go to the ER to have them check.  Part of me knew sometime was wrong.  The other part was hoping I would leave the ER with a new ultrasound picture and feeling foolish.  Thankfully the ER was very slow.  I was taken right back.  The ER doctor had an ultrasound machine in my room within a hour of me showing up, which for an ER is amazing. 

I knew it was bad as soon as he got quiet.  He had been small talking about my husband's job, the school he went to, my college.... Suddenly he went silent.  Silence is never good.  It felt like an eternity before he said anything.  Baby was measuring a day behind, which is acceptable.  He couldn't see a heartbeat.  He looked and looked.  He wanted to see a heartbeat so badly.  He knew this baby was an IVF baby.  He knew about Ethan and Jacob.  He knew we wanted this baby so much. 

He finally gave up.  He told me that he did not see a heartbeat, and he was going to call OB down to take another look.  I knew it was over.  You do not miss the heartbeat on an almost ten week baby.  I called Joseph while the ER doctor was calling OB and told him the bad news. 

The door to my room slowly opened, and I saw a very familiar face.  The doctor who delivered Ethan and Jacob was standing in front of me.  She said she immediately recognized my name on the chart.  As soon as I saw her, I began crying.  I am so thankful she was the doctor who came.  I was all alone in the ER, finding out my baby had passed away... I was so thankful for someone who knew me. 

We talked for almost a hour and a half.  I told her (and showed her a ton of pictures and videos) of Blake and how wonderful he is.  We talked about my loss.  We talked about her life. She did not rush.  She genuinely cared.

I was sent home with medicine to make my body miscarry and pain pills.  My experience was a rough one, but not as bad as what I had read online.  Now we wait.  I have a follow up on Tuesday.  I am not supposed to eat before the appointment, just in case I still need a D&C to remove anything.

As far as future plans, we will try again.  We have one sweet embryo that is frozen.  We are hoping and praying that embryo will be our take home baby.  We are praying that embryo will be just like Blake's cycle.  Single frozen embryo transfer that turns into a take home baby. 

One can hope....

Three

Where has time gone? It has been three years since our angels were born.  Three years since I held Jacob's little body.  Three years since I sat in the NICU begging God to make this OK.  Three years since we walked out of Bethesda empty handed and into our home full of baby things.

Three years ago, right now my world was ending.  My world was crashing down, and I wasn't sure we were going to recover from it.  I was struggling to breathe, move, talk. Basic necessities to live were a struggle. 

Three years ago, I was living my nightmare. 

After Ethan and Jacob passed away someone told me, "It never stops hurting, you just get use to the pain".  I think I am adjusting to the pain.  This year was the first year I was not a blubbering mess.  Three years to get to the point of being able to function on September 13th.  The first year, I was a few weeks post C-section.  Between it being the first birthday of my angels, hormones from having Blake, and sleep deprivation.... I was a hot mess.  Last year my husband was deployed, and I was at home alone with a 12 month old. 

This year was easier.  I don't know why.  I was just more focused on remembering them, instead of focusing on the pain and surviving. 

As we do every year, we let balloons go for Ethan and Jacob.  Blake and I went to the party supply store today, and he picked out the colors of their three balloons each.  He picked green, orange, and red.  We let them go tonight.  Blake let three of them go, one-by-one.  His two year old brain became bored with letting the rest go, so we did it.  Much to our surprise, Blake burst into tears after the balloons were gone.  He was quite upset that they were gone.  Maybe next year he will understand the balloon concept better!

This was taken about 10 seconds before he started crying.  He was quite upset that the balloons were gone. 

Two

Two years ago, I had just met the most amazing, stubborn, funny, cute, infuriating, and sweet person in my life. In true Blake fashion, he was born on his own terms. The doctors tried inducing me, but that is not Blake's style. Thirty-six hours later an emergency C-section was decided. I was put to sleep, because he was stuck. It was difficult to get him, and Joseph said he could see the worry in the doctor's eyes. He came out not moving, and he had to be forced to breath at first.

His birth fits him. Blake loves to be center stage.

In the last two years, I have learned all about this little man. I cherish him. There are days when I cherish him more than others, but each day I thank God for him. He is a blessing, even on his worst days.

The amount of love that little body holds is literally amazing. It is unconditional, pure, sweet love. Even with his latest tantrums, he wants love after timeout.

He is talking, and it is the sweetest thing. He asks where Daddy is every weekday morning, then says, "He at work! Oh no!". He knows faces and names. He says, "I love you". He has figured out what "One more" means, and uses it over and over again. Sometimes he will even say, "One more Mommy! Come on!".

I can't believe it has been two years. Two years since we were sitting in the hospital, terrified we were going to kill this tiny (8lb5oz) stranger we just met. Little did I know, he would be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Transfer

We made it to transfer!
A picture of possible Z babies is below. We were also blessed with one to freeze for later. They are grade 4 and 3+ expanded blasts (for my ivf friends). Our frozen is a grade 3+ blast as well.

Our other two arrested, which was expected of one.

After a lot of thinking and praying we decided to go with our doctor's advice, and transfer two. We are hopeful we made the right decision.

Now starts the two week wait...