Fearless

Fearless is the only way to describe Blake in the water.  He has zero concern.  He thinks it is all fun, even when he gets splashed in the face.  He is starting swimming lessons soon, since his lack of fear terrifies me.  He will just walk right into the deep end, with no problems with the water being over his head.  He is my water baby.  We have already taught him to kick his legs and blow bubbles in the water.  He is a water baby already, just like his mommy was.  

 Practicing kicking

 So much fun at the pool!

 He is SUCH a daddy's boy.  They are best buddies, which his daddy loves.

Hurry Up and Wait

Delayed.

My body does not want to follow the "rules".  Ever.  While it is really frustrating, I have almost come to expect it.  So when the ultrasound tech said that I have a cyst, I just shook my head.  Of course I do.  OHSS, pPROM, premature births, pregnancy induced hypertension, emergency c-section that required a urologist due to a ripped uterus... Normal? What is that?

The good news is that we later found out that it wasn't a cyst, just a huge follicle.  My body apparently thinks the birth control pills that my doctor put me on were a challenge.  They didn't work, and my body won.  If we weren't infertile, we could be one of those couples that gets pregnant while on birth control pills.... but we are infertile.

I was given a shot to speed things up, but our cycle will still be delayed about two weeks.  It was a blessing that it wasn't a cyst, as that would have delayed us a month or so.  Of course we had Joseph's work schedule planned around these next two weeks.  The end of July was really busy, so now he is trying to shift everything around.  It looks like it is all going to work out, minus a few days that Blake is going to stay with his Nana and Pa. 

So that is where we are.  The good news is that I won't be completely uncomfortable for our anniversary.  How has it been five years? Time has flown.  I am so lucky to have such a great husband and father for Blake.     

This is my favorite non-posed picture.  We had just come in from taking pictures outside. It was roughly 100 degrees in North Carolina (hello humid and poor Joseph was wearing wool). My love gave me a sweet kiss and told me I looked pretty. 

1081.72

1081.72

That is what we just paid for my medications.  We were shocked that our insurance decided to cover more than we originally planed.  It is still a sting to the bank account, which is currently crying over paying the IVF bill to our doctor almost a month ago.  But, that is much less than the estimate we received of, "Up to 5,000 for medications".  I did not know what to say to the woman who called from the specialty pharmacy. Relief. 

So, our bill will be lower than we thought.  We are hoping to have everything paid off quickly, since (hopefully) we will have added expenses of a new baby, or the cost of another cycle if this one fails.  Infertility treatments are so unfair.  You pay thousands of dollars to actually get pregnant, then your finances are so tight paying off the treatments, you can not afford all the baby things you have dreamed of. 

IVF is a slow going process.  Always waiting. Waiting to start medicines, waiting for the trigger shot, waiting for the egg retrieval, waiting for the fertilization report, waiting for the transfer, and waiting for the pregnancy test. I am not a great waiter, so I struggle with this. 

 We are finishing the first phase (birth control pills), and are ready to get into the actual IVF cycle.  That should begin sometime next week.  Expect some bruised belly, feeling horrible, completely uncomfortable, and hormonal posts in the near future ;)

So, let the fun begin!!!       

I lied...

After losing Ethan and Jacob, I swore that if we could get pregnant with just one baby.... I would never ask for another.  Then Blake's difficult delivery further pushed that decision.  I swore that Blake was going to be an only child.  I was done with IVF, PPROM, shots, fear, stress, and c-sections. We were blessed with a beautiful, perfect little boy.   I said I was done. No more. 21 months later, and here I am.... I lied. 

I blame Joseph.  It is his fault.  He is the ultimate baby hog, and he made me lie. ;) That is my excuse anyway.   

It looks like we are jumping back onto the infertility treatment roller coaster. We have gone through all of the testing, and made the big decision to move forward with another round of IVF. Our new doctor is pretty confident that we can avoid overstimulating again this time around. Hopefully, he is right. We are cautiously optimistic, but I have a bad history of surprising doctors. It would be lovely for this cycle to work with little drama associated with it. Praying for an easy, calm cycle that works. 

So, we are looking at starting the IVF cycle toward the end of June. I didn't have a blog for our first IVF cycle, so I am excited to have this journey documented.           

Quiet

It's amazing how our brains adapt. How the yelling of a 19 month old can be normal. Depending on what he is yelling, it can also be beautiful. Blake now says "Wuv hoo" (love you). Silence is not normal in this house. It is amazing how I am conditioned to put my cell phone out of a toddlers little hand reach, even when he isn't here. I don't think twice about shutting doors to keep a 19 month out of the bathrooms, even when I don't need to.

Blake is spending a few days with his Nana and Pa. He did this a few times while Joseph was deployed, and he loves it. The boy gets so spoiled there. He is showered with love, undivided attention, new toys, and pizza. Nana also got sneaky this time and had a supply of suckers waiting. He loves it there. They love having him there. We miss him here. Blake is so blessed to have so many people who love him. My family is insanely obsessed with him, and it's wonderful. They get so excited to see him. They complain if they don't see him every few weeks. Blake calls them a few times a week to talk. He is a major part of their lives, and they are a big part of his life. He loves them just as much as they love him.

  So, while the baby is away.... Joseph and I work. We have been upgrading our yard. When we bought our house, it came with these awful, ugly bushes. They were short and prickly... And ugly. So, they were removed and replaced with pretty flowers. We lined the flower garden with bricks and filled it with mulch.

We start on our vegetable garden tomorrow. I am really excited about having a garden this year. I haven't had one in two years. We moved/I was hugely pregnant in 2010 and last summer Joseph was deployed. A garden was very, very low on my priority list. So, Blake is off having the time of his life at Nana and Pa's house. We are at home moving bricks and raking mulch. How life has changed.

The Pressure is On

We have officially been asked (more than once) by complete strangers when Blake is going to have a baby brother or sister.  The first time it happened, a little Asian woman who worked at Walmart asked us.  I was so surprised, considering I was just trying to pay for our peanut butter, milk, light bulbs, and chapstick.  I thought it was such an odd question.  Where did that come from?  Well, the Asian woman who worked at Walmart was the first of many.  It seems that once your child is eighteen months, baby number two should be on the way.  At least in the Marine town that we live in. 

The pressure is on for baby number four by complete strangers.  Who would have thought strangers would have started this campaign well before our family did?  Not me.  Our family are a bunch of baby hogs.  They love Blake, and he has quickly become the star of most family events.  Want to have a family birthday party that focuses on you, don't invite Blake.  

Why do people that know our story avoid asking about future babies? They know what a crazy, scary, devastating ride it was getting Blake here.  Blake is a miracle.  So the question is, do we try for another miracle?  Or do we thank God for the miracle we have? Or both?

The truth is that I am not getting any younger.  In the IVF world I am so so young, but the longer we wait the harder the cycle is going to be on me.  We had a hard time with the last cycle I went through.  Time is not our friend.  Money is also an issue.  Last time I looked at our bank account, we didn't have an extra 15,000 just hanging around to be spent at a fertility clinic.  If anyone would like to add to our bank account, please let me know ;) So, money is a major issue when it comes to IVF.  Putting ourselves in debt for a try at a baby is stressful.  Thinking about doing that for the third time is a bit overwhelming.  If it is successful, we are pregnant,  in debt from getting pregnant, and needing the expensive baby items.     

So, it isn't simple.  There are a lot of things that need to be checked off our to-do lists.  We have a busy summer that is packed with fun.  We are going to have our first summer as a family, since Joseph missed last summer completely.  We are traveling, attending weddings, and enjoying that we live near the ocean.  After we soak all that up, we will talk baby.          

At Last

My lonely days are over. After ten and a half months, Joseph is finally home from his deployment. At last. He has been home for a week now, and he is getting back into the swing of things slowly. Things are pretty different in our house. He left a snugly, little baby boy, and he returned to a wild, giggly toddler. Things are much more chaotic than they were a little under a year ago.

Blake is in full toddler force. He knows what he wants, he eats "real" food, he understands when given (most) instructions, he gives kisses, hugs, the bottle is gone, and anytime he wants something he says "please" then gives the sweetest face in the world. He knows how to blow kisses, call his Nana and Pa (and asks to do it frequently), run, and helps clean up his toys. He is a big boy.

When Joseph left he was barely sitting up. He couldn't even sit up alone. We had to put him in a sitting position, and he could maintain it. He wasn't sleeping through the night yet. He was truly a baby. Such a difference. The transition has been going well. There have been a few moments where I had to step in and say, "We have to hold hands in the parking lot" or "He needs that cut up more", but I have been letting them figure it out together as much as possible (without completely messing up Blake's routine). Joseph came home and jumped right in. He is truly an amazing father. Blake and Daddy have been best buddies since about two minutes after Joseph found us at homecoming.

So, all is great in our world. We are so happy to be together again. Hopefully, there will not be any deployments in our immediate future. And, I leave you with our homecoming slide show. It is perfect. I am so, so happy with our photographer. She was amazing. Simply amazing. She arrived at our house to a screaming Blake and a stressed out Andrea. She took it all in stride. We are going to have a family session with her in the spring, and I can't wait.
 Homecoming Pictures