Well...

Since Joseph posted our news on his Facebook page, I might as well blog about it now. Meet baby boy Zimmermann....

He is due on August 26Th, 2010. So, yes I am pregnant. We used our last embryo, and we got very lucky that it implanted. Everything has been pretty smooth sailing so far. I am 16 weeks right now. My water broke with the twins at 19 weeks, so we are hoping for a very uneventful next few months. I am being seen at Bethesda by the high risk doctors. So far, so good. If our journey has taught me anything though, we won't be able to fully relax until we have a baby in our arms. We hope to have a very healthy, fat, and overdue baby in August.

We found out baby is a boy. We had an ultrasound today. He was very active and even showed us his perfect little hands. Oddly enough, today marks six months since our babies were born. Such a bittersweet day for us. If you had told me six months ago, that I would be pregnant again with another little boy... I would never have believed it. It is amazing how different things are after only six months.

We still have some hurdles to make it through. Our anatomy scan is at the end of the month. This is a detailed ultrasound to look for abnormalities. We are also waiting to hear how our genetic testing results are. Since my water broke so early with the twins (Pprom), I am at higher risk of preterm labor again. I get shots weekly to try to prevent this from happening again. My blood pressure is another issue. The automatic cuff at Bethesda hates me. Every time I go there, it says my bp and heart rate are really high (140/99 and 125hr). Then they take it manually, and it is completely normal (120/78 and 80). My doctor is a little concerned with why my blood pressure is so high before my appointments (umm I am nervous). She is checking me for signs of pre-eclampsia, but agrees it is probably just nerves. Hopefully it will continue to drop when they take it manually. We are hoping everything comes back normal, and we meet this little one in August.

Where Were You....

I have thought about this a lot since Ethan and Jacob passed away. I could never quite get the words right though, so I tried to wait until I was completely ready to address this. It might still feel a little jumbled, so try to follow me.

When I was admitted into the hospital, Joseph and I were scared to death. We had no idea what was going to happen to our precious babies, or if something would happen to me. When I gave birth and we lost both of our sons, our world crashed down. We asked for some time to really figure out what had happened, and to deal with the raw emotions we were feeling. The thought of holding Ethan as he passed away still breaks my heart.

In the next months, Joseph and I leaned on each other to make it. I was re-hospitalized for a horrible infection and low blood counts. It was hard. We struggled to do anything... eating, cleaning, even getting up was a challenge at first. I am amazed at how many people never called, wrote, or showed us any type of support. I realize that our loss was a different loss, and that many people are not sure how to approach it. It is still hard to deal with the fact that many of our close friends, were not there in the weeks and months following. In our time of need, they just disappeared. I still have friends that have never mentioned our boys. They called and acted like everything was like it was before. It isn't. I am a different person now. I find moving forward with these relationships very difficult. You weren't there when my world was ending, why should I bother with your friendship? The feelings are very hard to move forward through. I find myself hung up on the facts, and unable to forgive them.

There are family members who weren't there for us. They weren't there to support us when we needed them. After that, I just can't make myself forgive them. I can't get past it, and I don't know that I ever will get past it. They never called... how can you not call your family member when their children died? How can you just disappear? How can you just pretend that everything is fine?

On the other hand, the friends that were there for me... became like family. I really feel like my true friends showed in our time of need. They called to make sure Joseph and I were OK. They texted to make sure we didn't need anything. I got emails from them, asking how we were doing. They wanted to hear about our babies, what happened, and how we were doing. People I met online were more supportive than some family and friends.... and that is sad.

So, I have decided to stop trying to forgive them. The feelings are there, and will be for a very long time. Trying to ignore them and pretend like everything is normal... is not working. Eventually, I might be able to forgive them for not being there for us. Eventually is not now, and probably won't be for awhile. On the other hand, I am so much more thankful for the friends that were there. We are thankful for the people who contacted us, and showed us that you cared. Thank you.

This time last year....

This time last year we were starting the IVF process. One year ago this month we were going through testing and making sure that we were able to go through IVF. We had no idea what we were getting into. I thought it would be a difficult, but manageable process. We had no idea how sick I would get. One year ago, we were innocent and thought that IVF would be something that was going to be a minor inconvenience. Little did we know I would develop severe OHSS and be hospitalized for three days. We had no idea that I would have so much fluid in my belly, I would have difficulty breathing. Who knew I would actually WANT a paracentesis to drain the fluid out of my stomach, because the pain from that was less than the pain from the fluid?

I find it pretty funny when people ask when we will do IVF again, like it is nothing. They ask like EVERYONE has 12,000+ dollars for the procedure, plus the 4-5 thousand for medications. This doesn't even include the hardships on my body that IVF does. Most people think that IVF means we go to the doctor's office a few times, a few fertility drugs, everyone you know joking about you being the next octomom or Kate Gosslin (which is really not funny, people that do that), and BAM... pregnant. It isn't guaranteed. In fact for my age group at my clinic, the success rates are around 60%. So, you pay 17,000 dollars for IVF and medications that aren't covered by insurance...then have a 60% chance of getting pregnant. That is a 40% chance of NOT getting pregnant, and losing 17,000 dollars. Most people don't know this. I was once one of those people. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but after all of that...it worked. We made two beautiful baby boys.

Visitors

In a few weeks, it will have been six months since I had Ethan and Jacob. SIX MONTHS. It is an odd mixture of feelings. As I look back, I am both amazed that it has already been six months and shocked that it has only been six months. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday, and in other ways it seems like it was a lifetime ago. When I think of all we have come through, it amazes me.

We haven't been home since Christmas, and haven't been able to visit the boy's since then. I feel horrible that we are so far away from them, but there was no way we could bury them here. We will be moving shortly after Joseph graduates, and we may never return to this area. My parents take care of their flowers, and make sure their "area" is clean. For that I am thankful, but I do wish we could visit them more. Their grandparents are taking great care of their flowers and visiting them often, so we left them in wonderful hands. I can't stand the thought of them being in a graveyard with no one ever visiting them.

As for life... it is going well. We are still digging out of the mountains of snow. The temperature has been in the upper 30's and lower 40's, so hopefully it will all melt soon. I am sick of snow. I think Joseph is even more ready for the snow to melt. He has been out in this snow, shooting and now working on land navigation. Poor Joseph has been pretty cold after all of his snowy training. Their class is slowly but surely getting closer to finding out his job and where we will move next. We think it will be sometime in May. I am ready to find out where we will spend our next three to four years.

My dad is coming to visit us this week! We haven't seen him since Christmas, so I am excited. My mom came up last month, so now both of my parents have visited. We won't be able to make it home again until Memorial Day weekend, so if they didn't come visit us... It would be a long time before we saw them. I leave you with a video of Bailey. It is from last summer. I am VERY ready for summer. This is Bailey trying to swim. He isn't the best swimmer.

The Big Snow

Here are our pictures from the snow today. We really didn't go out and play in it, since it was still snowing. We plan on taking Bailey out in it tomorrow to play, so I am sure we will have more pictures then.

More Snow

Well, it snowed... again. I never got a chance to post the pictures from our last snow, so I will post them first. This was our snow from the end of January (last weekend). It was a smaller snow, and we decided to take Bailey to play in it. I will post pictures from the blizzard next.

New people

Since we lost our babies, I have surrounded myself with people that really get it. People that don't say hurtful things, while they are trying to be helpful. These people understand that my babies lived. They also understand that sometimes I want to talk about Ethan and Jacob, and other times I want to talk about The Bachelor or The Biggest Loser. I never feel pressure from any of them, and I am so thankful for that. I never feel awkward talking about Ethan and Jacob around them, and our conversations flow very easily.

The problem I now face is all of the new people that I am meeting from Joseph's TBS class. These women have no idea what hell 2009 brought us. Most of them have no idea that the world can be as cruel as it has been to Joseph and I. They are all so innocent, while I am jaded from the pain we have endured. I feel really anxious around them, because I know the question is going to come. "Do you have any children", seems to be a very common question. I still struggle with answering this question. I do have two angels that lived for 11 minutes and 36 hours, that I don't want to deny. Some women respond really nicely, and I try really hard to be sure that they don't feel bad for asking. Others respond oddly, and I really don't care if they feel awkward. I never thought of this social issue until I started meeting so many new people.

I hope that the next duty station that we go to, we will not meet so many new people all at once. It is a bit overwhelming to tell our story to 15 different wives, 15 different times... when they ask the dreaded question. I have learned from my experience with losing the boys and infertility, that I will never, ever ask that question. If someone has a child, they are going to have to tell me about it... because this girl is NEVER going to ask. When we were dealing with infertility, it was a stab in the heart to say no. Now that we are dealing with the loss of Ethan and Jacob, it is both a stab in the the heart and a reminder of what we should have.

I leave you with a poem. A woman from my pregnancy/infant loss group lost another baby last week. She was 33 weeks pregnant, and found out her baby girl had passed away. Please keep her in your prayers as she heals both physically and emotionally.

A Butterfly lies beside us
like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment,
its beauty and glory
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed
we feel so lucky to have seen it.