Moving and Baby..

We are still preparing for our move in June. I feel like I should have an index for all my lists. Overall, it's going well. I still need to do the last minute things, and we need to get our house rented out.

Pregnancy is going well. I'm so much more active this time around. With Blake, I was scared to move. This time, I don't have that luxury. I'm chasing a two year old around the park for hours at a time. We will see how that works for me at the end, but I'm hoping my body can keep up with Blake.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant, which is great. I am counting down the weeks until 24 weeks. 24 weeks is viability week, and baby has a 50% chance of survival if born. It was our major goal with the twins. We missed it by a week with them. I counted down until viability week with Blake, and now I'm doing it with Reid. I want to make it MUCH farther, but 24 weeks is my main goal right now. Then 28 weeks, then 32 weeks.

And... Yesterday, I had a moment that made me want to leave the swamp that we live in. While Blake and I were walking through the neighborhood, we found a snapping turtle. It was huge and pissed. Thankfully, my new neighbor came over and flipped him onto his back with a shovel. We called animal control, and two hours later Mr Turtle was hauled off in a truck.
Blake can now say "snapping turtle" as that he is scared of it. Lovely swamp life.

Here is my attack turtle. He wanted to attack everyone. Snapping turtles are mean.

Home Sweet Home

The moment we found out that we were moving to New York, I started house hunting. It's hard here. We are spoiled by living near a large military base, and there has always been a huge rental market available. Not so much here. Our housing allowance is low for the area. Really low. I was looking at houses with green carpets, murals on the walls, and disgusting looking bathrooms. Anything that looked nice was in a horrible part of town. Enter stress...

Joseph had to come up for an orientation and turn over, since the guy he is replacing will be long gone before we get here. I came with him, and we have been house hunting. We came with the idea of checking out areas to narrow our search.

I think we found a place. It was recommended by people Joseph will be working with. It's not advertised. It is a military only community. The houses are huge by Long Island standards. HUGE. It is an older home that needs some love. The kitchen and bathrooms are original. The floors are all hardwoods, so that's nice. It has two sunrooms, which gives us even more room.

It really needs some color. The walls are a dull white and it just screams cold and uninviting. The location is amazing. We are within walking distance to so many things. Joseph is within walking/running distance from work. So it will work for the next three years. It would be beautiful with some work, but we won't be here long enough to put the money into it (other than paint). If we would be here for a long time, I would love to update it and make it really shine.

So now we look for preschools and a hospital for my c section. I leave you with a picture of our new house.

Surprise

I have been a horrible blogger. I need to get back on the bandwagon :)

So.... Surprise! We are pregnant. I'm almost 18 weeks with a little boy.
We had a cake to tell our families. We also announced his name. He will be Reid Everett.

I'm very excited to have a brother for Blake. They are going to be best friends, and I can't wait to see all the trouble the two of them can get into.

We will move when I'm around 30 weeks. Things will be interesting! That's around the exact same time that we moved here with Blake's pregnancy. I'm a pro at moving late in pregnancy. Two of our three moves will be done pregnant.

I have my anatomy scan on Monday, and we are hoping for a healthy, happy boy. Then we leave for a week of house hunting, preschool hunting, and hospital touring. Joseph is also going to be working, since the guy he is replacing will be gone before we get there.

That's our family update. :) I'm hoping to blog a little more, now that the bulk of the moving work has been completed until the movers show up.

I leave you with pictures from our gender cake!

New York

The orders have been cut. Our home for the next three years will be.... Long Island, New York. To say it was a surprise would be an understatement. Completely not on our radar. Not even close. In fact when Joseph told me, I didn't believe him. I asked him where the orders were really for.

It's been a pain to say the least. Everything is expensive in Long Island. Everything. Car insurance, gas, heat, rent, food... If you use it regularly, it's expensive. The military is nice enough to give us an allowance to offset those costs. We get an astounding 120.00 a month. That will cover half of our heating bill during the winter. I think it will be nice once we get there, but getting there is a pain right now.

I'm trying to embrace the "Bloom where planted" idea. I'm going with an open mind, and I'm hoping that it is a memorable three years. The great part about it is that Joseph will have normal hours. There will be no deployment, training, or crazy hours. This is as close to having a "normal" job as possible in the military. We are really excited about trying out this whole "normal" life for awhile.

I'm off to research NY cheesecake and pizza.... The important things.

Goodbye 2012

2012 was a mixed bag for our family.  We had some really great moments.  Wonderful, happy, breathtaking moments.  We also had some heartbreaking moments.  Utterly shocking and heartbreaking.  I have had a hard time deciding on how to classify 2012.  I am going to go with mixed bag.

In February, we welcomed Joseph home from a long, long deployment.  It was amazing to see him hold his little man again.  Watching Blake and Joseph get to know each other again was exciting.  Things had changed so much from a seven month old to a fifteen month old.  Diaper changes were entirely different.  Baths were both terrifying (for mommy) and a party at the same time.  Joseph had a lot to learn about the differences between a not-yet-crawling seven month old and a wild fifteen month old.  2012 has truly turned Blake from a Mommy's boy to a Daddy's boy.  He adores Joseph, and I am so glad to see that almost a year away did not cause any bonding issues. 

We have been on countless trips this year.  We have had so much family time.  It has been a drastic change from when Joseph was working at a busy, deploying unit.  That part of the year was great, and it was much needed.

Blake has grown from a baby one year old into a two year old little boy. He is talking in full sentences now. Watching that transformation is shocking.  How is it that my baby was struggling to walk this time last year, and he is now jumping, running, and climbing? How is that possible?

Of course, the year ended with struggles.  Miscarriage, D&C, laparoscopic surgery, another round of IVF...  The miscarriage was hard.  I never realized how hard miscarriages are.  Having a loss as late as Ethan and Jacob, people immediately understand how heartbreaking it is.  Miscarriage is such a different experience.  Such different emotions and expectations. 

Our IVF cycle was abnormally successful, which we are grateful for. Having ten embryos in the freezer means that we won't have to face IVF again.  That is a blessing that I never thought I would have.  We were happy with ONE frozen embryo from our last cycle.  Having ten is something I never dreamed we would have. 

2013 should be an interesting one.  We hope to have another baby in 2013.  Blake will be starting preschool.  Joseph is due for orders.  We are possibly facing an overseas move (Japan), selling or renting our house, a new unit, and a new unit's schedule.  My main resolution for this year is to relax.  No worrying about things out of my control... or at least not as much.

Happy New Year everyone.  I hope 2013 brings everything you wish for. 

And Now We Wait...

We arrived Saturday morning for our transfer. We had not heard from the office about our embryos since our day two report on Wednesday. They had said that no news is good news, so we were hoping for quiet.

They brought us back to the room, and I immediately noticed that there were no embryos in the incubator. ::enter panic:: The embryologist informed us that there were a few egg retrievals that morning. Since they are time sensitive, we were being pushed back a little.

Then he gave us our report. I was hoping for three to four to freeze. Both of my other cycles, we have had one to freeze. This time we had.... NINE to freeze! We were shocked. I did not know how to respond. Of the fifteen we had on day two, nine had made it to a good quality, freeze worthy embryo. That does not include what we transferred. Nine is amazing and completely surprising.

My doctor was very happy with how everything turned out. He came in with a giant grin on his face. This cycle required a lot of thinking on his part. My levels were difficult to control, and I was on the edge of overstimulating for the majority of it.

Our transfer went exceptionally well. We followed my doctor's recommendation for transferring two. He wanted to repeat our last cycle, so we did the exact same thing with similar grading of the embryos.

So now we wait. I'm on bed rest for the next few days, then back to normal and waiting.


Here are our nine waiting in the freezer.

Finding a Bubble

Yesterday morning, twenty little babies left for school that will never come home. Devastating. I wonder about that morning. Did one of them not want to wake up, and mommy made them? Was one child excited about a class event? Were they running late and rushing? Was the Elf on the Shelf a fixture in their homes like it is ours? Did they talk about Santa's upcoming visit? The small details that those parents will forever hold from their last morning. I pray that each one of those parents hugged and kissed their child before sending them to school yesterday.

I can't imagine how devastating it would be to arrive at a firehouse frantically looking for your child, and they aren't there. The drive back home.... Walking into your home.... Waiting for confirmation.

My first instinct is to never let Blake go. I want to shield him from this cruel world. I want to protect his innocence. I want to keep him in a bubble. Blake has no idea that bad people exist, and it is one of my favorite things about his sweet personality. He will flash that Blake smile and say "Hey" to almost everyone. He has no idea of evil. No concept. I want to protect that for as long as possible.

But, it isn't possible. Sure, I can home school him. I can keep him locked in our house forever. But what kind of life is that? A shooting can happen anywhere. Of course when it is in a school it is shocking and horrifying. It could easily happen at a park, the grocery store, or Blake's favorite frozen yogurt store (which he calls "Ike ceam"). We live close to a military base, and we could be injured in a military aircraft accident.... Or a terrorist attack. Or a car accident. The list is endless.

Living in fear is not living. Blake will attend school, and it will probably be public for the majority of his years. I pray that I am never in any of these parent's shoes, but I can not shelter my child. He deserves to experience all the perks of school and hopefully college. We can't live in fear of bad things or bad people.

That do not mean I won't worry, because I will. It doesn't mean I won't kiss him pray he is safe everyday, because I will. It just means that we don't have control.

Shocked

We received our fertilization report, and I was shocked. Of the twenty eggs that were retrieved, seventeen were mature. Of the seventeen, fifteen were growing on day two. That's amazing.

I feel so blessed to have so many this time around. Last cycle, we were working with five. We have ten more embryos this time. So now we wait for the transfer on Saturday. We will find out then how many will be frozen. Hopefully quite a few. We don't expect all of them to make it that far, but we are hopeful to have enough frozen to feel comfortable saying goodbye to IVF.

Dr. T finally figured my medicines out, and my body responded. I'm still shocked that it has turned out this way. Blessed.

20

I have been a very bad blogger. Things have been a little crazy, and I have been struggling to keep up. Joseph has had a busy week or two at work. His busy week just happened to coincide with the worst of my IVF cycle. Add a two year old into that mixture, and you have an exhausted, hormonal mommy that doesn't blog.

We started this cycle pretty normally. My last cycle started off with too little medicine, and it was an uphill battle the entire time. We ended up with six mature eggs. This time my doctor had the goal of more eggs. He started me out at a higher dose of medicines, expecting me to respond similarly to our last cycle.

My body decided to take that medicine seriously this time. My first blood work showed that my body was overly responding. My medicines were decreased, and we officially were dealing with too many eggs. My estrogen level was way too high. We went from threatening cancellation due to under stimulation to threatening cancellation due to overstimulation.

My monitoring office was guessing that I had thirty plus measurable eggs. That is a lot! I was obviously uncomfortable and the high estrogen levels made me feel horrible. We were not sure how many of those thirty plus would be mature. My doctor guessed fifteen, but I was a bit skeptical after my six from last time.

We pushed through and made it to the egg retrieval today....

They got 20 mature eggs! I was shocked when I woke up from the anesthesia. That doubles the amount that I got from my first cycle (9).

So now we wait. We have to see how our fertilization report goes. IVF is such a numbers game. You start out with a number, and slowly the number drops as time goes on. I'm just hoping for enough to transfer and freeze a few. Anything more than that is a bonus.

My baseline went better than I thought it would yesterday. Everything looked perfect, and I was given the all clear to start shots last night.

So, we should have an egg retrieval around the 10th or so. Funny little side note.... Blake was transferred within days of this schedule. So if this works, we could be having double birthday parties for awhile.

Again...

Here we go again...

I have my giant box of medicines, my baseline monitoring appointment, and our sad savings account. Our last IVF cycle was supposed to be our last, yet here we are. I have caught myself saying the same again this time. This is my last.... My last time dealing with the pharmacy and all those meds. My last time waiting on my cycle to start so we can just get things going already! My last time trying to figure out what day we will be doing this or that, and what day I will be on bed rest. This is my last.... I pray.

Today is my baseline. I'm a little unsure of how things are going to go. The last few times I have gone for something routine, it's turned into a setback. Part of me feels like that will probably happen again today. We will see. I'm hoping we can get started today, so we can avoid cycling during Christmas. I stopped taking my birth control pills I haven't started a cycle yet, which makes me think I have a cyst. I would not be shocked.

I have no idea how people can do cycle after cycle of IVF. It just is not for me. The stress and unknown nature of IVF is enough to drive me crazy. Last cycle, I had the benefit of three years of forgetting. This cycle I don't. I just did this, and I didn't really enjoy it. The excitement from last time is gone.

So here we go... I'm praying that this is a smooth cycle with a lot of success.

Recovery

My surgery was Thursday. We arrived two hours prior to my scheduled surgery time of 11:45. The nurses did the normal questions, getting us settled in, IV, and all the other normal hospital stuff. I found out the Wednesday that my latest uterine biopsy had come back positive for infection, so they wanted to give me IV antibiotics while I was there to finally get rid of it.

The surgery went really well. The anesthesiologist took good care of me. They gave me something that made me loopy on the way to the OR, and I really could not have cared what they were about to do to me. I woke up in pain. As soon as I said ouch, they gave me something that made me equally happy. I had some nausea, but they also took care of that for me. By the time I left, I was very groggy. I slept all the way home (2.5 hours).

The surgery took about a hour and a half. My doctor fixed my tube issue, worked on my uterus a little, and also removed the infected lining. He was very happy with how it all went. He even gave Joseph pictures and was proudly showing him my remodeled female organs.

I'm sore, but it is nothing the pain medicine isn't taking care of. My worst pain is from my belly button incision. It is really uncomfortable for some reason. Pressure seems to help, so I have been keeping pillows on it.

Overall, it has not been horrible. I am still moving slow, but on the mend. My lovely husband even made me pumpkin pancakes from Trader Joe's today. Which may have been worth the entire process ;) Seriously. They are amazing.

I have a follow up in two weeks. We will talk about our upcoming cycle then.

It Never Ends....

Today was our follow up from my D&C and a pre-IVF ultrasound. It didn't go well. I really feel like we just can not catch a break. It is constantly something.

Today, my RE saw that my tube was damaged from infection from the retained tissues from the miscarriage. The antibiotics they gave me has cleared the infection, but that tube has to come out. Goodbye tube. I have never really used you anyway. I have never gotten pregnant without IVF. Tubes are worthless to us.

I also seem to have a misshaped uterus. It's very minor, but my doctor is going to check it out and fix it. He found that while they were examining my tube.

So, I have surgery scheduled for next week. I will get a pretty little battle scar right below my belly button. IVF is off until December. Only a month, which is good. It could be worse, but it is also so disappointing. We have been working on another baby to bring home since April.

I hate that everything is such a fight for us.

Of Course...

My words exactly when my doctor told me I had retained tissues and needed a D&C yesterday.  Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? 

Sigh.  I am not sure why my body has to be so difficult about everything, but here we are.  Frustrated does not even begin to describe my feelings. 

Yesterday, we met with my infertility doctor to plan for our next cycle.  When we first scheduled the appointment, we had planned on using our one frozen embryo.  After scheduling the appointment, we did some soul searching and decided to do another full IVF cycle.  We both did not have a ton of confidence in using only one lower graded embryo, especially after what happened during our last cycle. 

Our RE actually brought up the idea of a full cycle before we told him we were talking about it.  He agreed that the embryo we have frozen is not the best quality, and it just isn't a good idea to transfer it alone.  So we made our plans, talked about medicines, and discussed my miscarriage.  My doctor decided at the last minute to do an ultrasound to make sure I did not have any scar tissue from the miscarriage. 

Instead he found left over tissue from the miscarriage.  Tissue that had to come out, and he was greatly concerned about infection.  Of course.  They offered to do the procedure the same day, which I agreed.  I wanted to get it over.  They gave me some really strong medicine, and I do not remember most of the afternoon. I left with antibiotics and pain pills. I have a follow-up next week, and I am praying that everything will finally be normal. 

Our IVF cycle is on, if I can ever heal.  I am now on birth control pills.  After my follow-up, I will have my medicines ordered, and we will have a cycle in early November. 

Here is hoping for an easy cycle...

Here We Are

I often ask why. Specifically, I ask Joseph why the military does ______ frequently. Things that I just do not understand. Why are you driving two hours to camp in the woods, when we have woods right here? Why are you training for your predeployment training? Doesn't the predeployment training cover it? If not, why don't you expand the predeployment training to cover the multiple pre, predeployment trainings? Apparently it makes sense to someone, but certainly not me.

I purposely left a lot of emotion out of my last post. I wanted it to be the facts. The emotion wouldn't change anytime soon. The facts can be blurred and forgotten.

I'm frustrated. I'm really, really frustrated. I'm angry that I have had four babies, and I have only brought one home. I'm frustrated that we spend so much money on IVF (goodbye college fund) and twice had nothing but tears and disappointment to show for it. Once, we were given the greatest gift imaginable. I'm frustrated with our "bad luck" and how difficult things always are.

So here we are.... Three years after losing Ethan and Jacob. In a similar position. A completely disappointing outcome to our fresh cycle, and we have one sweet embryo in the freezer. One. I wish we had two. Two would make me feel "safe". One is such a risk. I remember worrying all night before Blake's transfer. Praying that one embryo would thaw well. Then I was on pins and needles all day, waiting for the call to say the embryo had not survived.

It did survive though. He is currently eating strawberries and cheese. I really hope that our frozen embryo turns into a baby we can bring home with us. Another IVF cycle seems so difficult right now. Emotionally. Physically, I can handle it. Emotionally.... I do not want to dive into that again. Worrying about levels, eggs, medicines, money, retrievals, transfers... I will do it if we have to, but I would love to transfer our frozen embryo and be done.

With one, it will be nerve wracking through the entire process. Completely our style...

Another Goodbye

I had not posted on here, but our IVF cycle worked.  We found out we were pregnant with one little baby in late August.  I was trying to wait until we were a little further along to make an post.  We lost the baby this week at almost ten weeks.

I woke up Wednesday morning, and I felt a real urge to find baby's heartbeat on the monitor.  I have been very calm during this pregnancy, and only used my monitor two times. Anyone who knows me, knows that is really out of character. I am a worrier.  I tried to find it, and I could not.  At 9.5 weeks, baby is still pretty low, so I just thought he/she was hiding.  I tried again two more times throughout the day, and I had no luck.  Enter worrying.

I decided to go to the ER to have them check.  Part of me knew sometime was wrong.  The other part was hoping I would leave the ER with a new ultrasound picture and feeling foolish.  Thankfully the ER was very slow.  I was taken right back.  The ER doctor had an ultrasound machine in my room within a hour of me showing up, which for an ER is amazing. 

I knew it was bad as soon as he got quiet.  He had been small talking about my husband's job, the school he went to, my college.... Suddenly he went silent.  Silence is never good.  It felt like an eternity before he said anything.  Baby was measuring a day behind, which is acceptable.  He couldn't see a heartbeat.  He looked and looked.  He wanted to see a heartbeat so badly.  He knew this baby was an IVF baby.  He knew about Ethan and Jacob.  He knew we wanted this baby so much. 

He finally gave up.  He told me that he did not see a heartbeat, and he was going to call OB down to take another look.  I knew it was over.  You do not miss the heartbeat on an almost ten week baby.  I called Joseph while the ER doctor was calling OB and told him the bad news. 

The door to my room slowly opened, and I saw a very familiar face.  The doctor who delivered Ethan and Jacob was standing in front of me.  She said she immediately recognized my name on the chart.  As soon as I saw her, I began crying.  I am so thankful she was the doctor who came.  I was all alone in the ER, finding out my baby had passed away... I was so thankful for someone who knew me. 

We talked for almost a hour and a half.  I told her (and showed her a ton of pictures and videos) of Blake and how wonderful he is.  We talked about my loss.  We talked about her life. She did not rush.  She genuinely cared.

I was sent home with medicine to make my body miscarry and pain pills.  My experience was a rough one, but not as bad as what I had read online.  Now we wait.  I have a follow up on Tuesday.  I am not supposed to eat before the appointment, just in case I still need a D&C to remove anything.

As far as future plans, we will try again.  We have one sweet embryo that is frozen.  We are hoping and praying that embryo will be our take home baby.  We are praying that embryo will be just like Blake's cycle.  Single frozen embryo transfer that turns into a take home baby. 

One can hope....

Three

Where has time gone? It has been three years since our angels were born.  Three years since I held Jacob's little body.  Three years since I sat in the NICU begging God to make this OK.  Three years since we walked out of Bethesda empty handed and into our home full of baby things.

Three years ago, right now my world was ending.  My world was crashing down, and I wasn't sure we were going to recover from it.  I was struggling to breathe, move, talk. Basic necessities to live were a struggle. 

Three years ago, I was living my nightmare. 

After Ethan and Jacob passed away someone told me, "It never stops hurting, you just get use to the pain".  I think I am adjusting to the pain.  This year was the first year I was not a blubbering mess.  Three years to get to the point of being able to function on September 13th.  The first year, I was a few weeks post C-section.  Between it being the first birthday of my angels, hormones from having Blake, and sleep deprivation.... I was a hot mess.  Last year my husband was deployed, and I was at home alone with a 12 month old. 

This year was easier.  I don't know why.  I was just more focused on remembering them, instead of focusing on the pain and surviving. 

As we do every year, we let balloons go for Ethan and Jacob.  Blake and I went to the party supply store today, and he picked out the colors of their three balloons each.  He picked green, orange, and red.  We let them go tonight.  Blake let three of them go, one-by-one.  His two year old brain became bored with letting the rest go, so we did it.  Much to our surprise, Blake burst into tears after the balloons were gone.  He was quite upset that they were gone.  Maybe next year he will understand the balloon concept better!

This was taken about 10 seconds before he started crying.  He was quite upset that the balloons were gone. 

Two

Two years ago, I had just met the most amazing, stubborn, funny, cute, infuriating, and sweet person in my life. In true Blake fashion, he was born on his own terms. The doctors tried inducing me, but that is not Blake's style. Thirty-six hours later an emergency C-section was decided. I was put to sleep, because he was stuck. It was difficult to get him, and Joseph said he could see the worry in the doctor's eyes. He came out not moving, and he had to be forced to breath at first.

His birth fits him. Blake loves to be center stage.

In the last two years, I have learned all about this little man. I cherish him. There are days when I cherish him more than others, but each day I thank God for him. He is a blessing, even on his worst days.

The amount of love that little body holds is literally amazing. It is unconditional, pure, sweet love. Even with his latest tantrums, he wants love after timeout.

He is talking, and it is the sweetest thing. He asks where Daddy is every weekday morning, then says, "He at work! Oh no!". He knows faces and names. He says, "I love you". He has figured out what "One more" means, and uses it over and over again. Sometimes he will even say, "One more Mommy! Come on!".

I can't believe it has been two years. Two years since we were sitting in the hospital, terrified we were going to kill this tiny (8lb5oz) stranger we just met. Little did I know, he would be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Transfer

We made it to transfer!
A picture of possible Z babies is below. We were also blessed with one to freeze for later. They are grade 4 and 3+ expanded blasts (for my ivf friends). Our frozen is a grade 3+ blast as well.

Our other two arrested, which was expected of one.

After a lot of thinking and praying we decided to go with our doctor's advice, and transfer two. We are hopeful we made the right decision.

Now starts the two week wait...

Fighting Five!

We have five embryos! Joseph and I decided that the fighting five would be a good name this time. Our last IVF cycle we had five embryos as well. Apparently five is our number.

After waiting forever for my clinic to call, and a few angry phone calls... We finally got our report (24 hours later than we expected it). Our clinic dropped the ball, and they didn't call us with the report. It was so stressful waiting for the news. I was terrified none of them had fertilized. Terrified.

Our clinic grades on a 1-4 scale. 4 being the best and 1 being the worst. This is the opposite of a lot of clinics. I have no idea why they do it backwards.
We have on day two:
2- grade 4 (best) embryos
2-grade 3 embryos
1- 2+ grade embryo

We don't expect that grade 2 embryo to make it, but it still has time to catch up. We will get another report on Wednesday, and we are doing a day five transfer on Thursday.

This report was much better than I expected. I was so scared we didn't get enough eggs. Whew.